Recently, I wrote a posting for Discuss HR entitled To what extent is it really OK to be human in the workplace? My aim was to explore the extent to which we feel able to express ourselves fully and authentically in the workplace and to explore some of the reasons why we don’t. In this posting I highlight what I’m calling “Reason 3” and expand on it.
A third reason why it can be hard to be fully human in the workplace is this: it’s not always fully welcomed by others. This can be a little circular. It takes trust, for example, both to share ourselves fully and to receive each other as we share. As part of my own practice I am a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and make it my aspiration and my discipline to share my feelings, needs and observations and to make clear requests as well as to seek to connect with the feelings and needs of others. Recently I fielded a request from a colleague and decided to explore the request with her so that I fully understood it before saying yes or no. This was received as a criticism which was not my intention. Suddenly, I found myself seeking to handle a conversation with someone who was acting on an inference (that I was criticising her) as if it were true.
Oftentimes, in the workplace we find that our open and honest self-expression is not received with a glad heart by others. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps, for example, the way in which we express ourselves is itself a problem, especially if we put forward our opinion as if it were some universal and ultimate truth (who wants to be on the receiving end of this hidden assertion?) Perhaps the person who is receiving our thoughts is not open to different perspectives. Perhaps we want to express our feelings in an environment which discourages acknowledgement of emotions. Perhaps our sharing triggers difficult feelings in the person with whom we are speaking.
Equally, it’s often true that our fear that our honesty may not be well-received is as much of a problem as any evidence that it isn’t. As long as we have this fear we are likely to express ourselves indirectly or even not at all. How many of us, for example, choose to withhold any expression of our emotions at work, even when to do so could provide valuable information – helping those we lead, for example, to share in our excitement about a new project, or helping our line managers to know that we’ve been procrastinating on a task out of fear of failing.
When have you withheld open and honest expression of what’s going on for you out of fear that it might not be well-received?