Recently, I spoke with a client who told me just how much he was spinning his wheels – wanting to move forward in his career but not quite sure in what direction.
Successful in his job, he nonetheless noticed, from time to time, how little it rocked his boat. Watching colleagues discuss a new development in his field, for example, he could see how their eyes sparkled with excitement.
His didn’t.
Maybe you understand Nick’s frustration. You’ve worked hard to get where you are. You’re successful in your job. It brings you a great deal that you value – kudos, maybe, a comfortable salary, the knowledge that you’re doing something well and seen to do something well.
At the same time, you are not getting out of bed with a spring in your step.
Stuck on the M25
Nick was like a man stuck on the M25 of his career.
From time to time, he would notice how little he was enjoying his job and notice how much he yearned for greater contentment. He would inch forward a step or two – think about changing his career, maybe even look into the requirements for one or two of his options.
Quickly, though, the wealth of traffic would bring him to a halt. One car in front of him would say “but think of all the people who are depending on you, right now”. Another would say, “what about all the things you have got in your career”. Another, (quite a juggernaut, this one), would say “who are you, anyway, to expect to live a life of full contentment?”
Stopping, starting. Stopping, starting. And all the while, Nick was going round in circles.
It’s not that he didn’t think about changing jobs. He did. But he didn’t know which job would suit him and he didn’t know how to find out.
A hero’s journey
Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero With A Thousand Faces, has made a lifetime study of myth from around the world. Apollo, the Frog King, Wotan, the Buddha… Campbell has looked at the main protagonists of both folklore and religion and discovered a remarkable similarity in the underlying structure of their stories. He calls this structure, the “hero’s journey”.
The hero’s journey begins when the hero hears a call to adventure. At this stage, the main protagonist faces a crisis or some calling. His (or her) ways are no longer fitting, but the way forward has yet to appear. Nick’s experience is typical of this stage of the hero’s journey – and perhaps yours is, too. From time to time, he would notice his discontentment without knowing what to do about it. His response was to wait for an answer, but the answer didn’t come.
Making the journey: you need to commit
Campbell’s research suggests that, at the beginning of the hero’s journey, the hero hears a calling and stands on a threshold. Responding to the calling means stepping over the threshold and embarking on the journey. The challenge is this: when you step over the threshold, you don’t know where the journey will take you. What’s more, the help you need to make your journey won’t appear until you’ve actually crossed the threshold.
What does this mean for Nick? As long as Nick sits and waits for the right answer to appear, it won’t. He needs to commit to the what – to making his journey – and then to work out how to reach his desired destination.
There’s something else, too. A common mistake that people make is to think their desired destination is one thing when actually, it’s another. Nick may think his destination is “the perfect job” but actually, it’s a greater level of contentment. For Nick, this makes the difference between “How do I plan the route to my perfect job when I don’t know what that job is?” and “How do I achieve a greater level of contentment in my life?”
How about you?
Are you, too, stuck on the M25 of your life or career? If you are, you can begin to find a clear sense of direction by uncovering what it is you really want to achieve. Here’s a quick way to get you started:
Step 1: Write down what it is you want that you haven’t yet achieved. This is probably the easy bit and it’s probably quite concrete – something like “a job I really love” or “a better relationship with my partner”.
Step 2: Ask yourself this: what would it do for you if you had what you want? Keep asking yourself this question and notice your emotions and the sensations in your body. You know you’ve got the right answer when you feel a sense of connection with an answer which just keeps coming back. The answer that really matters will be an underlying need, with no sense of the form this might take – for example, “greater contentment in my work” or “more love and intimacy”. When you’ve found your underlying need pause for a few moments before moving to Step 3.
Step 3: Ask yourself if you’re ready to commit to meeting your unmet need. Notice the answer – whatever it is. It could be that recognising what it is you reallywant is enough for you to commit to making it happen. Perhaps, though, you’ll meet some inner resistance. Either way, you’re closer to identifying your next steps.
In Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Alice asks “Where should I go?” The Cheshire cat responds, “That depends on where you want to end up.” If, like Nick, you’re stuck on the M25 of your life or career, it helps to get under the surface of your aspirations to understand what it is you really want.
You also need to commit to making the journey.
Great steps Dorothy! I often find that in life's big choices there is often a lot of resistance to change … so the question 'what would it feel like if you got … whatever it is that you're wanting' is a great starting point to start to uncover those little nuggets of blockage.. and begin to release them so you CAN move forward.
Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
Great to hear from you, Ann. Thank you for posting.
I find that, whether we are encountering a "no" from some part of ourself that is resisting change or from someone else, we are really meeting an expression of a need that has to be met if we want to move forward… so I like to engage with the need(s) as a way to think creatively – how can we meet the needs for which that resistance is guardian and still makes changes?