After quite a long spell of writing two or three blog postings a week, I have gone a whole month without publishing anything.  In truth, I have been running to catch up for months now – and something had to give.  It’s become clear to me that I want to write fewer blog postings going forward – perhaps one a week or two at most.  At the same time, I want to add depth to my postings.  You can expect them to be longer in future.

I thought I’d come back with a bit of a bang – a term I may come to regret given the topic of my posting.  I was drawn last week by a posting on LinkedIn entitled Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair.  If the early responses (mine was one) are anything to go by, this is a highly contentious subject.  It’s also a taboo subject – I know that I was drawn to read the posting precisely because I have seen any number of office affairs take place and yet this subject is rarely addressed in public.

Facing up to sexual attraction in the workplace

No matter what we consider to be ‘professional’, we all of us – at times – are attracted to colleagues.  The workplace is one of the key places in which people meet their life partners – a place where people see each other often and get to know each other well.

But what if you’re already in a relationship?  It doesn’t stop you feeling attracted to people and you may even spend more time with your colleagues in the workplace than you do with your partner at home.  Once you become a parent your opportunities to really connect with your partner may be even fewer.  Perhaps your work with a colleague brings you close together or maybe it’s your work colleagues who hear and understand just how challenging life is for you when your spouse is unsympathetic (or maybe the source – in your mind – of your woes).  In the heat of the moment you may find it hard to resist the temptation of embarking on one relationship (an “affair”) whilst still being committed in another.  You may even be surprised to realise that you have embarked on an affair before you even realised it – the writer of the article I mentioned above uses the term “work spouse” to describe a special friend of the attractive sex.

Perhaps you have no problem with having a workplace affair.  If so, this article is not for you.  Perhaps, though, you are feeling the heat of the attraction and struggling to know what to do.  Or maybe, right now, you have lost sight of the potential consequences of following a path that can lead to the breakdown of your marriage, to disruption in your relationships with any number of loved ones, to the loss of respect from your colleagues, to the loss of your own respect for yourself.  It’s not that relationships don’t break down – they do, and at times this is clearly for the best.  Even so, embarking on a workplace affair has a raft of consequences that you may not be ready to choose or face up to.

Avoiding an office affair – a different set of tips

Author Gretchen Rubin gives one set of tips in her article Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair.  I offer my own, below:

• Get clear on your values ahead of time:  It may seem obvious, but getting clear on the values you want to live by helps you to make choices in the moment with the long-term view in mind.  Take time to think about the values you want to live by in your intimate relationships so that you can make decisions in the moment in the full awareness of your highest aspirations;
• When you feel attracted to someone, talk about it:  Rather than denying that you feel attracted to someone, talk about it.  Whilst denial can stoke the flames of an attraction, talking about it can help you to acknowledge it and begin to engage with it.  It also provides the basis for making decisions.  Choose carefully who you talk to.  Perhaps you have a coach or therapist who can help you to step back from the attraction and to think things through.  Perhaps you have friends.  It may even help you to name it to your spouse or the object of your affection – though this takes maturity on your part and may not be the best place to start;
• Ask yourself why the attraction is so compelling:  Perhaps it’s meeting your needs just to feel the attraction (or to know that someone is attracted to you).  Perhaps you imagine that an affair will meet some as yet unmet needs.  Understanding what those needs are opens up the possibility of meeting those needs in different ways.  This may be about addressing needs in the context of your intimate relationship, but not always – if you find that your need is for empathy and understanding, for example, you can choose to seek support from friends and reduce the risk of an affair;
• Address issues in your intimate relationships:  Perhaps you’ll discover that you’re unhappy in your marriage or intimate relationship.  If you do, don’t ignore it.  Perhaps it’s time to address the balance in your life between work and family, or to discuss with your partner issues that are troubling you.  You may even want to seek professional help.  This is a critical moment in your marriage:  it’s a moment when you could save your marriage.  It’s also a moment when you could handle a break-up with dignity and without falling into the first pair of arms you find;
• Finish one intimate relationship before you start another:  It may seem simplistic and still, if you set yourself the rule that you won’t embark on one relationship before you’ve finished another, you will think hard before embarking on an office affair.  This could help you to realise how important your marriage is to you before it’s too late.  It could also help you handle a break-up with dignity and compassion and to enter a new relationship knowing you have honoured values of honesty and integrity.