Yesterday I went to the dentist to have a filling.  In the midst of a busy morning – getting things done before going up to Blackheath – I didn’t give it a second thought.  When I sat down in the dentist’s chair, however, I could feel my body tensing and I experienced waves of emotion.

My dentist, Lydia Pink at Sparkly Smile Dental Practice in Blackheath, is utterly fantastic and I knew – my rational brain knew – I had nothing to fear.  We’ve done work together with nary a problem.  No, this was the emotions of a much younger me, stimulated by being in the same situation many years earlier.

This was not “the same situation”, of course.  As a child having my first fillings, I don’t remember ever having an anaesthetic.  Dental techniques were not as developed then as they are today.  More importantly still, empathy was not then in fashion:  I don’t remember anyone showing any understanding of my fears.  Back then, I didn’t have what I needed to handle the situation alone.  No wonder it still casts a shadow in my adult life.

I wonder what responses are stimulated in you by reading this posting.  Perhaps you, too, have fears about letting someone loose with your teeth.  Perhaps you are ready to shut out these or other emotions – in yourself, in others.  It’s easy to deny them (by projecting them onto others, for example).  It’s easy to judge them.  And still, the bottom line is this:  both you and those you live and work with experience emotions in the here and now that reflect your childhood experiences.

The role that emotional intelligence plays in our effectiveness at work and at home is now well studied and documented.  As a leader, you are likely to be far more effective if you are able to embrace emotions – your own, others’ – and have ways to respond.  Your ability to respond effectively makes a difference in the moment.  It also makes a difference over time.

And Lydia?  She was quick to acknowledge my emotions and to accept them.  She took time over her work, telling me ahead of time what would happen and checking in with me to see how I was doing.  What I did notice and welcome were tears, which I take to be the grieving of a much younger me for the needs that were not met in my childhood dentistry experiences.  I wonder if I am letting go of the fears I felt then and everything that came with them.