Taking on a new team, my client* faces a wall of resistance.  The signs are sometimes subtle, sometimes open and obvious.  How is it that you are never able to get through to one colleague by phone, except when you phone from a number other than your own?  How many times have you seen colleagues take a sharp left rather than join you in conversation as you leave the building to walk to the car park?  How is it that meetings are always formal and never friendly?  How is it that it’s Team A’s members who are always late?

The obvious signs of resistance are far easier to deal with than those which leave us to infer.  An open statement of resistance allows us to ask questions and find out what’s going on.  The hidden signs – perhaps the quasi hidden signs – are more challenging.  We can observe the behaviours and notice the patterns and still, without more information, we can only guess what they denote.  Are they signs of resistance or dislike?  Or are they simply signs that Jo is an introvert and prefers not to walk to the car park with his colleagues?  Or that people from Team A are more likely to be late to meetings – to any meetings – than colleagues elsewhere in the building.

We can of course, ask questions.  “I notice that five members of your team have been late to meetings in the last three weeks and that members of other teams have been on time.  Is there a reason for that that you know of?”  It can be so easy.  It can be so difficult.  Sometimes these patterns of subtle resistance stimulate feelings of vulnerability, leaving us slightly off balance.  (Perhaps, we think, they’re intended to do this).

Trusted colleagues join us in wondering what’s behind the behaviours.  He doesn’t like it that you’re female (a “dumb blonde”, too posh, got promoted over his head etc. – the list goes on).  And of course, if you are, there’s nothing you can do to change your inherent characteristics or the circumstances in which you find yourself.  You start to feel stuck.

It’s time to step back and remember:

• Your own conjectures or those of your colleagues may be right – or they may be wrong.  You don’t know unless you check them out.  (And yes, even then, you may not get an honest answer);
• Insofar as your colleague does think you’re female (and that’s a problem) or a “dumb blonde”, or too posh, or got promoted over his head – well, that’s about what your colleague thinks rather than about you;
• Underneath your colleague’s thoughts lie some unmet needs that even he has not yet identified.  I say this with confidence – if he has, it seems to me he wouldn’t be mentioning your gender or the colour of your hair;
• If you’re feeling vulnerable or off balance it’s a sign that there’s something about the way you’re thinking that has you feel that way.

*This example is a composite from the experience of multiple clients and all identifying information has been changed.