So, you’ve decided the last person you want to talk to is your colleague Sandra. You can’t stand her. If you see her coming you change your route (the last thing you want to do is get in the lift with her). You can’t see the good in anything she does. And as the leader of your team, you have made it very easy for your team members to ignore any directives that come from her department. Perhaps Sandra is in your Finance Department (why can’t we process invoices the old way?) or HR (let them choke on their policy handbook!) You don’t care.
You think your dislike is all about Sandra. Who does she think she is?! She turns up out of nowhere full of new ideas and expects you to jump to her tune. You notice every little thing you don’t like about her (that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted… the list goes on and on). And all the time you’re thinking about Sandra, you don’t begin to notice what’s really going on for you.
A start in this direction would be to use a few phrases that take ownership of the way you’re thinking about your colleague. I notice that when I think of Sandra, I have really strong feelings – of anger, frustration, hatred… I’m telling myself that there are all sorts of things wrong with her: that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted… The more I tell myself these things, the more my feelings intensify. The more I tell myself these things, the more I feel justified in behaving towards her in ways I would never behave towards anyone I respect.
Noticing what’s going on on the surface is just the beginning. What’s going on underneath? My guess as your observer is that behind the anger and hatred lies some fear – and it is just a guess. Perhaps you’re afraid that you don’t have what it takes to organise your troupes to respond to her requests, even though, deep down, you know you need to. Perhaps you’re finding it hard to accept that people younger than you (and women, too) are starting to overtake you in the hierarchy of the organisation. Perhaps… perhaps…
Perhaps you find Sandra a little intimidating. You’re putting on your best brave face and doing your best to stay safe and formal but underneath it, you’d love to know that she’s as human as you are. You’d love to know it – and you’re waiting for her to show some sign. You hope that if you push her just a little she might just crack – without you having to reveal your own fears and vulnerabilities.
Some readers might imagine that you’re a junior member of the team, old and unsophisticated. I have sometimes met you at the most senior levels of organisations. Sandra knows who you are and in what capacity you – and she – work. What’s hardest for you and Sandra – at what ever level you work – is to see that your current behaviours are simply your best attempts to meet your needs, needs that you probably don’t even recognise. They’re not the most effective strategies for meeting your needs but that hasn’t stopped you from continuing to use them.
What would I say to you? It’s time to get under the skin of your needs and really understanding them. That way you can begin to find ways to meet them – ways that work. Perhaps, in order to do so, you need to face your fears. I know that’s hard for you.
What would I say to Sandra? Perhaps she, too, needs to get under the skin of your needs and understand them. She needs to understand her own needs, too. A first step towards understanding your needs and hers may well be to know that your behaviour is about you and not about her.
And as for you, as reader of this blog, I wonder, what does this blog posting evoke for you?