Some years ago a friend of mine, now retired, told me that when he took up a senior role in the head office of his company his colleagues warned him to “watch out, they’ll drown you in paperwork”.  Never a fan of upward delegation, he had a stamp made for use when anything crossed his desk which he deemed inappropriate for someone of his seniority to handle.  Effectively, it said:  “I haven’t looked at this.  Deal with it yourself”.  He applied this to incoming mail before he returned it to sender.

I was reminded of this on Monday when my conversation with a coaching client highlighted the ability to maintain clear boundaries as a critical component in her plans to launch a new business.  I know she is far from alone in this:  our early socialisation combined with our natural desire to contribute positively to others can make it hard to say no to requests from a wide variety of colleagues, clients, friends and family.

This inability (by which I mean a lack of ability at this time, rather than a once and for all inability) to say no can lead to some interesting outcomes.  The time we give to others is not available to pursue our own plans, for example.  Perhaps we try to help others and to pursue our own plans and end up exhausted.  Perhaps we start to feel resentful towards those who make requests of us even though it is our inability to say no that is causing problems.  Over time we may experience a sense of imbalance in our individual relationships and even across all our relationships:  we become a “net exporter” of help, advice and other support.  Perhaps it is those people who make requests of us who determine the contribution we make rather than we ourselves (this can be a sure fire way to limit our contribution and to fail to achieve our true potential).  We may even believe that this is the natural way of things…

It’s not just that we suffer from our inability to say no:  in the end, there are consequences for those to whom we say yes when really we want to say no.  They may well have a lingering sense of our underlying resentment even though they can’t quite name it.  Or they may wonder when we mean yes and when we mean no, yearning for us to say yes when we can do so with a glad heart and hating the moments when they discover that the favour we did back then we did only with a sinking heart.  Or perhaps they are oblivious of our needs, receiving our favours gladly whilst being unaware of their creeping dependence on us or of their lack of self belief.

And let’s be clear, there are plenty of people who will learn to look to us for help.  They include family members.  They include friends.  They include our peers at work.  They include those we lead (who can, indeed, become remarkably adept at delegating upwards).

Recognising that we find it hard to say no is a major step forward.  Recognising that the problem is ours and taking responsibility for addressing it is also a major step forward.  And still, the question of how to reach a point where we can say yes or no from a place of insight rather than as a reflex response remains.  If you’d like some ideas please read my next posting.  Meantime, what is your experience of learning to say no?