I missed the opportunity recently to respond in a timely way to an invitation from a friend and colleague.  She mentioned over lunch one day that she was going to hear Marianne Williamson speak and asked if I would like to join her.  By the time I checked my diary it was too late.  I found it hard not to put myself in the wrong.  Perhaps I was pre-empting the possibility that, by not meeting the needs of my friend (for consideration, perhaps, or clarity) my friend, too, would put me in the wrong.  Sheepishly I dropped her a line and said:


The time has flown since we met and I realise I didn’t get back to you to say I wouldn’t be joining you to hear Marianne Williamson.  I am trying not to give myself a guilt trip – and not quite succeeding!  I do regret that I didn’t let you know sooner – I’d like to have met my needs to show respect and consideration.


She responded promptly and told me:


Absolutely no need for a guilt trip – and I’m now doing giraffe* in to make sure it doesn’t come to me!  The truth is I had forgotten that part of our conversation – sorry – so it didn’t really have an impact at all.


She also took time to share what she did remember – and appreciate – from our conversation.


In our culture, the idea that, at any moment in time, we are “in the right” or “in the wrong” is endemic.  Tucked away beneath it are some positive intentions – though they are not easy to connect with.  (Kelly Bryson, in his book Don’t Be Nice, Be Real:  Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others highlights Piaget’s writing in this area.  Piaget suggests that when we teach children to do things from a sense of duty and obligation, we impede their development, so that it becomes less likely that they will do things because they want to and know they have free choice).  Believing that something is right or wrong can keep us from connecting with our own truth or the truth of others.  So, sharing my feelings of guilt with my friend and hearing her honest response helped me to recalibrate – to recognise that whilst some people would judge me for my action (in this case, for my inaction) to do so is just a choice.


As I write I am reflecting on my own choice to judge myself.  I am getting better over time at letting go of this habit – even whilst having a little way to go.


*In nonviolent communication (or NVC) the giraffe is a metaphor for connecting with needs – our own and others’.  Hearing another’s feelings of guilt, the giraffe seeks to understand what needs are being expressed.