Saying yes when you mean no can be the thief of time, energy, effectiveness and joy.  Regular readers will know that I wrote about this on Wednesday this week.  But what do you do when you know you find it hard to say no and want to do something about it?  These are a few tips from me:

Tip 1#
Get clear about what you want to do with your time, including everything that’s important to you (from understanding your true calling right through to rest and recreation).  It’s easier to know what to say no to when you know what you want to say yes to.

Tip 2#
Take time to clarify that a request is being made.  Sometimes, requests sneak in through the back door – in the form of an instruction from the boss, for example, or a suggestion from your partner.  E-mails, too, often imply the request to read and respond. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to find out what is being asked of you.  This raises awareness for you and for the other person that a request is, indeed, being made, it raises your awareness of the true scope of what is being asked of you and it gives you time to think.

Tip 3#
When you receive a request, check in with yourself to see how it lands with you.  Notice every aspect of your response, from your instant somatic response (from the sinking of the stomach to the gladdening of the heart) to the voices in your head (including the voice that uses such words as should and ought).  Based on you initial reaction, is your inner response a yes, no or maybe?

Tip 4#
Take time to connect with your needs as well as with the needs of the person making the request.  Your initial reactions (see Tip 3# above) will give you clues to your needs.  I encourage you to notice those needs that you meet by saying yes when you mean no.  These can include a need for acceptance – can you meet this need in other ways?  Taking time to check in with your underlying needs gives you the chance to make the right decision rather than to make the first decision that comes to you and to regret it later.

Tip 5#
Be aware that people can meet their needs in many ways – asking for your help is just one of them.  The more you understand this, the more you will find it easy to meet your own needs by saying no as well as yes.

Tip 6#
Don’t share your decision until you are ready to.  Whether you are CEO of a major corporation, of your own small business or simply of your life, it’s OK to say, “I need some time to think”.  This gives you time to check in with all your needs before you meet your need to contribute (and perhaps some other needs, too).

Tip 7#
Take time after the event to track your progress in learning to say no.  Notice and celebrate the times when you said no and got it right for you – times when you might have said yes before and regretted it afterwards.  Also notice with compassion the times when you said yes and came to regret it.  This is a way of celebrating your progress and understanding what progress you still want to make in learning to say yes and no with ease.

Please leave your comments below.  How do these tips land with you?  Which tip is most helpful?  Would you enjoy reading more tips on this and other subjects? And what tips do you have for others on how to say no?