…separateness does not mean emotional distance, which is simply one way of managing anxiety or emotional intensity. Rather, separateness refers to the preservation of the “I” within the “we” – the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness.
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, PhD
The challenge of relationship is one that affects men and woman at work and in the home. And as Christmas approaches (yes, less than a month now until Christmas) the tensions that already exist amongst family members begin to come more sharply into view. It’s one thing to weather the low-level unease between you and your partner when you are both out to work five days a week and another thing altogether to spend a fortnight together at Christmas. And that’s before mentioning parents, siblings, in-laws…
Relationship is the ultimate challenge to our authenticity for the reason Lerner highlights in this quote. It is so easy to maintain an uneasy rapport in intimate relationships by sacrificing a measure of authenticity. As a temporary strategy you might say it works. Over time, it can lead us to have relationships with our supposedly nearest and dearest which are like fossils – a brittle and unchanging representation of something that was and now is no longer. Unlike true fossils, the needs that are not met in such relationships are always hovering beneath the surface and waiting for a moment to express themselves.
The strain of such relationships extends beyond the relationships themselves. Many people embrace the idea that the unresolved emotional issues in our lives are embodied over time in our general health and well-being and may ultimately lead to a variety of physical illnesses. It can seem that we are left with a poor handful of alternatives if we are to maintain our good mental, emotional, physical and even spiritual health whilst also maintaining our relationships. Staying in rapport with ourselves whilst also staying in rapport with others is a challenging business.
In her book, Lerner offers clarity and simplicity whilst maintaining depth. She identifies the central role that anxiety plays in relationships and some of the common strategies people use to respond to anxiety – strategies which do not work. She also offers a small number of core aspects of relationships to which we need to respond, including what she calls “triangles” (the way we engage with third parties as an outlet to issues we won’t face in a relationship) and the issue of polarity, especially in the extent to which we function in a relationship, becoming the capable or incapable member of a relationship between opposites.
Lerner also offers some clear messages for those of us who want to make changes in our relationships. She highlights self-focus as the foundation stone of intimacy. By this, she does not mean a blind and selfish urge to meet our own needs no matter what. Rather, she refers to the courageous acts of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems. And she offers both practical steps and many case studies to illustrate the points she makes.
If there’s one sadness I have about this book it is that it’s directed at women. It deserves to be read by men and women alike – perhaps in time for Christmas.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.