Have you noticed how, at times, an experience you are having triggers strong emotions in you – emotions that come with such speed and intensity that it seems as if they control you rather than you them?  At the time, you are likely to be filled with thoughts about yourself or the other person – critical thoughts, laden with generalisations (“why does she always have to do x, y or z…?”), judgements (“what a ****!”) and (oh, yes!) expletives.  Favourite places for this experience are in the family, behind the wheel of a car or when we are being served and are unhappy with the service available.  And yes, there may also be times when we are triggered in this way at work.

After the event we may continue to tell the story that we told ourselves at the time.  This has the benefit of leaving our dignity intact in our own eyes:  we were justified after all, given that… The downsides of maintaining our story are several.  So thin is the veneer that protects us from a deeper truth that we may start to exaggerate the truth in order to convince ourselves that we were in the right, increasing the likelihood of an ongoing breakdown in communication and missing the opportunity for some important learning.  What’s more, over the course of a lifetime, our stories create our life – so it’s worth checking out that the life you create by the thoughts you have in these moments is the life you want to create.

And what if it’s not?  It’s one thing to recognise the moments in which you are triggered and another to know what to do that will change your response.  In truth, so common is the experience of what scientists call the “amygdala hijack” that many approaches have sought to address it in ways which empower their followers to be free from its powerfully destructive effects.  Marshall Rosenberg, for example, through his work (including his book Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life) offers ways to transform the thinking behind the emotion and so does Katie Byron, whose book Loving What Is:  Four Questions That Can Change Your Life is widely available.  Both have dedicated their lives to pursuing and sharing ways that have worked for them in this area and their websites (www.cnvc.org for Marshall Rosenberg and www.thework.com for Katie Byron) are a rich resource for anyone who wants to explore ways to be free from the effects on their lives of being triggered in this way.

It’s easy – and perhaps admirable – when you’re seeking to move beyond the approaches you take when you are triggered to look for alternative strategies for responding in a given situation.  It’s also largely ineffective until you can penetrate the surface of your emotion to understand its cause and transform it.  Rosenberg and Byron both point to the importance of transforming the thinking that stimulates the emotion.  Yes, you heard it:  the thinking that stimulates the emotion.  For it’s not the situation itself but rather the way we think about the situation which stimulates the pain and anger we feel in a given moment.

In case you want to take steps on the road to understanding your own triggers I offer some questions and the invitation to be curious:

• What are the situations or people in which your emotions are most easily triggered?  You might like to think of examples and to examine specific examples using the questions below;
• What was it about each situation which stimulated your emotions?  Be as specific as you can as you respond to this question;
• What were your thoughts about this situation?  What assumptions, beliefs and presuppositions were in your mind (of which you may or may not have been aware)?
• What needs did you have that were yearning to be met in this situation?  I write more about needs in my next posting, recognising that many of us find it hard to connect with our needs in a given moment or after the event;
• Which part of you was triggered in each situation?  This question recognises that our triggers often relate to specific (often younger) parts of ourselves whose needs were not met. 

As I write, I recognise that this posting is one step – and only one step – on the long walk to freedom from the amygdala hijack.  As well as making a note to write about needs in my next posting, I also make a note to write more about next steps:  once you have understood your thoughts, what can you do to transform them?