It’s all very well to read a good book as you travel across London to a wedding, but streaming mascara is not a good look (at least, not until the emotional events of a wedding celebration). So I smiled even as I was moved to tears reading the transcript of a family constellation in the book by Bert Hellinger and colleagues, Love’s Hidden Symmetry.
I have been aware of Hellinger’s work for some time now and had it in my sights as something to investigate. It’s probably been a full two years between buying the book and picking it up to read. (It has to be said that I am beginning to trust my reading instincts – to know that this lapse of time is simply a wait until the moment is right to read a book. It has been chosen once – put on my Amazon Wishlist or bought and ready on the shelf – and then chosen once again).
When the time came, I was taken aback by how riveting I found this book. Hellinger’s work is born of a longer tradition amongst therapists seeking to help clients to unravel the dynamics of their family systems. This tradition recognises the central role that our early experiences of family play in our lives long after we have – or appear to have – flown the nest. My understanding is that Hellinger took this tradition further than most by seeking to access the healing power of what is called the “family constellation”.
What is a “family constellation”? In his work, Hellinger establishes key facts of a client’s family life – a sibling who died young, a grandfather who committed suicide, a husband who left his wife – and invites members of the group to act as the representative of key family members as the client maps out the relationships between them. This mapping out is a physical and metaphorical mapping out – a daughter stands near her father, for example, or a husband and wife stand close or far apart. Representatives report how they feel, Hellinger makes adjustments until representatives feel at ease. In the process, the client’s own relationships with members of his or her family are clarified in the family’s current constellation and adjusted. Old patterns are released and new patterns found which work for members of the family as individuals and for the family as a whole. No matter that the “family members” are representatives: the outcome of this work is a shift for the whole family and not just for the individual client.
For me, the most compelling aspect of Hellinger’s work is his commitment to what he calls a phenomenological approach. He is not there to suggest what should be but rather to explore what is. This approach and its attendant observations have made his work controversial amongst some observers. It is not only that his observations tend to reinforce traditional roles and heirarchies (though this alone is enough to stir up comment). Equally compelling are the patterns that are evident across generations suggesting our unconscious loyalty to those who have gone before us – including those of whom we are unaware.
Reading this book is itself an exercise in healing: a way of connecting with the possibility that we may embrace whatever fate is ours in this life and also be at peace; a reminder that our best gift to those who have gone before us is to seek out this healing and to live life to the full. This is not only the domain of those who seek therapy (who are sometimes seen by those who don’t as in some way different or other than themselves). We are all affected by our family experiences which linger in us both in the pain we may feel and in our capacity to give and receive love.
What was it about that family constellation that moved me so much? It was the honour paid by the surviving member of a Jewish family after the Holocaust to his deceased relatives, each represented by a member of the group. Completing this work Hellinger, himself a German who was a young man during World War II, after a long pause thanks the group and tells them:
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.