Today I decided to share my needs with the man from the call centre who wanted to sell me services I didn’t want to buy. When he said he wanted to ask me some questions about my current service provision I knew from experience that this might lead to a conversation about how I could get better, cheaper services with his company.  I did not want to go down this path, and I told him so.  In addition, I was already wary of the “I’m wanting to have this conversation because it meets your needs” routine that is encoded in so many call centre scripts.  Here’s a brief extract from our conversation:

Call centre man:  Do you mind if I ask you which company you’re using at the moment?
Me:  Actually, that’s not how I’d like to spend my time today as I have some commitments I want to fulfil.
Call centre man:  It won’t take long.
Me:  May I just check with you – would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say so that I can check that I made myself clear?
Call centre man:  Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?
Me:  No, that’s not what I said.  And I do have a need to be heard and understood that’s not being met here and I notice that I am feeling some anger right now…

Our conversation reminded me just how often we find it hard to hear and be present to the needs of others.  I could identify any number of reasons for this which all lead back to the same Mother-of-all-Reasons:  because we live in a culture in which we think there is such a thing as “right” or “wrong”, believing that this is some independent and objective truth for which we are searching rather than believing that this is a concept we use in pursuit of power and control.

What about the man from the call centre?  Whether correctly or not, one thing I infer from the comment “Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?” is that my partner in conversation is wanting to meet his own needs and that he isn’t owning what they are:  he isn’t being honest about his true aims.  If he really wants to be of service, he would be attuned to my desire to choose how I spend my time and support me by getting off the phone after a respectful goodbye.  It’s not entirely clear what needs he is trying to meet – the needs that might be met by getting X number of clients to buy today.  (And I could say that yes, the conversation is scripted and he is following somebody else’s guidance about what to say.  Still, he has chosen the job in which he has to execute this script again and again and again and – I believe – he has made this choice because to do this job and to earn the salary it provides helps him to meet needs he can identify).

I see a level of self-honesty as an important pre-condition for empathy.  When I can be very clear with myself about what needs I am trying to meet I am more likely to be able to empathise with my partner in conversation.  This is not just about conversations with strangers from distant call centres:

• When a senior executive can own her enthusiasm for a particular path or project she is more likely to recognise that when she responds to a colleague’s request to be heard by making a suggestion in line with her preferred path she is not responding to her colleague’s need for empathy so much as seeking to meet her own needs;
• When a father can own how scared he is of the prospect of his daughter learning to drive and be honest with himself about about his needs and about those actions he is taking to meet his needs he is more likely to be able to be present to his daughter and her excitment when she thinks about the increased level of autonomy that learning to drive will give her;
• When a line manager can own his anxieties about speaking openly with a much-loved employee about his recent poor performance he is more likely to be able to address his needs by holding an open and honest conversation with the person concerned.  What’s more, this level of self-honesty makes it far less likely that the line manager will see his choice to hold back as “protecting his employee”.

To be able to be present to and honest about our own needs whilst also being present to the needs of others, even when it seems impossible for the needs of both parties to be met, belongs to the post-graduate school of empathy – a level that many of us never reach.  Is it possible – maybe even for all of us? – to reach this level.  It’s my experience that empathy can be learned.  How?  That’s a posting for another day – so please keep reading.

PS  And was I present to the needs of the man from the call centre in my conversation today?  No.  Today I was asking for empathy without offering it.  Maybe next time.