What does it take to be “coachable“? This is the essential question Seth Godin explores in his blog posting of the same name. Follow the link to find out more, including the role that coachability used to play – maybe still plays – in auditions at the Bolshoi Ballet.
For whom is the answer to this question important? As I ponder I imagine that this is an important question for us all. For the coach, it is a question we need to be able to answer when we meet people who want us to support them, so that we can best serve our clients and ourselves by knowing when to say yes and when to say no. For the people who come to us as potential clients it is a question worth being able to answer, for who would want to pay for coaching if they are not also open to the learning that might come with it?
Godin highlights the many roles and relationships in which coaching takes place and as I write I find myself pondering the family as the “advanced school of human relationships”. For the family highlights one aspect of coaching – perhaps above all other: that it is a mutually consensual relationship. Consent in coaching is given based on perceptions of trust, skill, wisdom, insight – the list goes on. Family relationships also depend on mutual consent. No doubt I am drawn to reflect on this at a time when I am recognising the challenges I find in my relationship with my sister.
What then, if you find that your potential client is not coachable? And what if you find that no amount of dialogue with your sibling or other family member opens up trust and mutual consent? I find it worth remembering that we cannot change the others, we can only change ourselves. If the client is not coachable without radical change, if the relationship with a family member is far from working, then it helps to recognise the limits of our power and influence.
As a coach, this might mean saying “no, I’m not here to ‘sell’ you something you don’t want”. In the family this might mean saying “no, I’m not here to force you relate in ways that don’t work for you”. It might also mean saying, “given I’m offering you something that doesn’t work for you and you want something that doesn’t work for me, I’m choosing to invest my energy elsewhere”. As harsh as this may seem, it can also be the ultimate act of love for self and for other.