Last week I wrote a posting entitled When does “not having learned yet” become a positive choice? I was interested in the views of colleagues as I reflected on my experience of talking to a colleague whilst he was feeling angry with me. I also shared this issue with my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest – some of whom shared their comments here. I feel immense gratitude to my colleagues for their sharing which offered me a diversity of views and perspectives.

Today, one colleague asked what one of my clients might call the “killer question”. Are you really asking us to say, “your colleague is wrong and he shouldn’t act the way he has. But Dorothy, you’re ok”? I notice this question hits a delicate spot – after all, what could be more ironic than being angry with a colleague for being angry with me? I take time to reflect.

I’m aware that the experience of having someone who I know to be trained and experienced in Nonviolent Communication stimulated anger in me. How could they have tools at their disposal to engage with and transform their anger and, apparently, choose not to use them before phoning me to speak? I know that it’s this decision that stimulated anger in me.

I give myself compassion for this initial response. With all the training and experience I have to think in this way (NVC Practitioners call it “jackal” talk whilst some refer to this way of thinking as a “gremlin”) there will be times when my initial response comes from this place. I also know that directing my judgments towards my colleague can protect my from my own inner self critic – who can be so, so harsh!

Still, I am aware that by the time my colleague asks this question my anger is long since gone and something else is at play. My anger points to needs I have that were not met in my conversation with my colleague. It’s important to me to examine my needs and to ponder how best to meet them.