Taking time to review my experience – of talking with a colleague at a time when he was feeling anger in response to something I had done – I recognise how little my needs were met during our conversation.
Connecting with my needs, rather than focusing on the actions my colleague took which stimulated anger in me, is a way to transform my anger. By transforming my anger I have a better chance to meet my needs. These include my deep need to live my life in alignment with my chosen values, including my values of nonviolence. Choosing to transform my anger into a deeper understanding of my needs is one process offered by Marshall Rosenberg in the process he calls Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).
It’s easy to see that the exchange we had did not meet many needs that I have in relationships. It has been my choice over time to seek out those people – friends, family, colleagues, clients – with whom a quality of communication is possible which contributes equally and effectively to the well-being of everyone involved. At best these relationships are rooted in a deep sense of mutual respect and affection. At best they honour each person’s needs fully and equally.
I recognise how much this is a matter of intention for me. I want to attract those people into my life who share my intention to create nonviolent, mutually enriching “win, win” relationships and who choose to invest in the fulfilment of this intention. In practice, I have discovered that they do this both by developing what one colleague refers to as the “skilful means” needed to translate this intention into practice and by choosing to deploy them.
It would be easy to conclude that my needs are better met in other relationships and to walk away – at least in theory. Still, recognising my needs does not in itself give me a sense of closure. I wonder if this is because I also have a need to contribute to the well-being and learning of others, in this case my colleague. It’s not just that I feel some disappointment that our conversation was not in itself more enriching for my colleague. I also have a sense that to walk away would not meet my need to contribute. At least at first glance, it seems I have conflicting needs. I know I need to reconcile these if I am to find my way forward. I sense that there’s something here that I have not yet seen – something that is at my growing edge.
Perhaps there’s another, related, question. What are the needs of my colleague? What needs was he seeking to meet when he picked up the phone and called me? I decide this is the next question I want to explore.
Forgive me if this seems a little different to your normal comments, but I found your blog remarks a little self centred and perhaps not as focused on resolving the issue at hand by understanding the reasons for your colleagues anger and exploring any genuine responsibities you may have had for contributing to it and dealing with that in an assertive and positive manner. I use the term assertive to mean respect for other human beings. Your colleague may very well have had good reason to be angry, which means that you may very well have had a responsibility if it was your fault to at least engage in terms of explaining whatever it was that this person was angry with you about. To then progress forward from common ground allows this understanding of common needs for mutual respect to be satisfied for both parties. The emotional intelligence bit is about understanding others emotive states from your own self awareness reference points. Then utilising this self knowledge to understand others and grow your relationships. Taking responsibility for your actions can sometimes be painful but comes with responsibility, it comes with the territory in being a leader. If as you state, you believe that what ever happens people act for positive reasons then your process of introspection and lookng back at the situation must begin by putting yourself in their (your colleagues shoes) and trying to understand what/why were they angry with you.
I hope this helps in some sort of way, this is my first ever contribution to somebody's blog and I follow your comments on the TJ online daily digest with a great deal of interest.
Warm regards
Jason Boucher