In our Western society, I sometimes wonder if needs are not the great taboo. It seems that it’s important to be considerate of others’ needs and at the same time unacceptable to give thought to our own.

This leads to all sorts of strange behaviours as we seek to meet our own behaviours “by the back door”. In the workplace we accuse each other of “hidden agendas” and, in truth, these are often hidden from ourselves. In personal relationships we carry the pain that comes from years of trying unsuccessfully to meet the needs we bring to a relationship without even knowing that this is what we are trying to do.

No wonder, then, that when clients come to coaching they often bump into questions around needs that have been beckoning for a long time. What are my needs and how can I know what they are? Am I giving myself permission to meet my needs? And if not, how do I give myself that permission after all these years? And what strategies can I develop that will help me meet my needs?

Today I offer a few suggestions to a client who is just beginning to explore these questions – suggestions which I also offer here. The list below is a “pick’n’mix”! I invite you to be playful (rather than workful) about this – choose any and as many as look fun for you to explore:

· Read Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life or look up Nonviolent Communication on the internet – there’s lots of great stuff out there;
· Ask yourself what needs you and others have. And in case you’d like some inspiration here’s a link to the list that appears in Marshall’s book: http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory. You might like to ask yourself, what needs have you met most fully in your life so far? What needs do you most yearn to meet in future?
· Get curious: notice what people do and how they do it to meet their needs. Ask yourself “what needs is this person trying to meet right now – and how?” There’s so much to explore here! How do people express their needs (explicitly, implicitly)? How do they make requests? And so on. You might like to ask yourself who you most enjoy being around and notice how they, in particular, meet their needs;
· You might be interested to notice your family’s favourite strategies to meet needs. Questions to ask might include: What behaviours are most strongly encouraged in my family? What needs do these behaviours meet for the person who encourages them? What needs do these behaviours meet for the person who agrees to behave in these ways? What behaviours are most strongly discouraged in my family? What needs are met for the person who discourages them? What needs are met for the person who agrees to avoid behaving in these ways? You can apply the same questions in other settings, at work for example and in your leisure activities;
· Start to notice your own needs: for example, notice your emotions and ask yourself what they are telling you about your needs. Are they signalling needs met (emotions such as peace, joy, satisfaction)? Are they signalling needs that have yet to be met (emotions such as yearning, irritation, discomfort etc.)?