Oona Collins*, when she was my coach, reminded me often that “you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself”. I continue to be grateful for this sage piece of advice and to practise building the muscle of focusing on what I can do and of letting go of those things over which I have no control.

I am reminded of this today when, working with one of my clients, we discover the seesaw of emotions she feels as her attention moves between those things she is doing to move things forward and those things that are outside her control. As our call draws to a close she commits to notice where she is placing her attention and where she could be placing it in order to increase her sense that her life is indeed, in her own hands.

My client is not the first person (nor will she be the last) to experience intense changes of mood which depend on knowing – or not knowing – just how much she can effect the course of her life. For many clients, increasing their understanding of the extent to which their life is determined by their own choices – known as being “at choice” and even “at cause” – is the key learning they take away from working with a coach.

Of course, the challenge of learning to accept those things we cannot change whilst focusing on those we can has exercised many people over the centuries. Even as my call is drawing to a close I am recognising how much has been written on the subject and I offer to write a posting on my blog which shares some of the resources which support the practice of being at choice. Here are a few of the many resources that spring to mind:

• Surely the classic text in this area is Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl famously observed how, even in the concentration camps in which he was prisoner during the Second World War, some prisioners found it in themselves to give away their last pieces of bread to comfort others and pointed to the freedom we all have: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way;
• Virginia Satir’s poem Self Esteem was written to support a young girl with whom she was spending time at the time of writing. This poem, available to read directly from a number of websites, highlights the extent to which we can choose who we are. It is also one of the texts included in Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen’s original Chicken Soup for the Soul;
• I think also of Muriel James’ and Dorothy Jongeward’s book Born to Win and especially of their opening chapter with its vivid description of what it means to be a “winner” and a “loser”;
• I think also of W. Timothy Gallwey’s book The Inner Game of Tennis which became an international bestseller – and a special favourite amongst businessmen and -women – when it was first published in 1974. Gallwey’s book is about the how of the inner mastery so many writers and deep thinkers point to;
• Richard Wiseman’s The Luck Factor is also a firm favourite of mine. Wiseman, who offers the unusual combination of a Professorship in psychology and a career as a magician, offers many insights into the ways of thinking that people bring who think of themselves as “lucky”;
• Last (for now) though by no means least is Michael Neill’s book Feel Happy Now! Like Gallwey’s Inner Game of Tennis, Feel Happy Now! is about the how of creating inner mastery.

I would add that my practical studies in both neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and nonviolent communication (NVC) have offered highly effective ways to manage one’s inner response in order to feel at ease – no matter what.

Oh! And one of the most powerful practices in my own repertoire is the practise of celebrating. This helps me to connect with the actions – whether my own actions or the actions of others – that support me in meeting my needs. I wrote about my own approach to celebration at http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/06/gratitude-when-youre-needing-fuel-for.html

*Oona’s website is at http://www.potentialplus.co.uk/