Back from my recent visit to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, I continue to offer thoughts about how to thrive in hard times. It’s hard to prioritise and still it seems to me that we are most likely to thrive when we develop the skill and habit of staying connected. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Facing the very real possibility that he might lose his job, John felt low. He sought to lower the levels of anxiety he felt by ignoring his feelings. He drank and smoked more and this helped to mask his feelings. At the same time, he started to lose sleep and his general sense of well-being went down.

Over time, the kind of tactics John employed can take their toll. When we ignore the messages conveyed by our feelings and bodily symptoms we fail to connect with our needs and to find ways to meet them. What’s more, the messages continue to be conveyed, becoming louder and more insistent. In time, they may take the form of physical illnesses or psychological distress.

Carl, like many people who are able to thrive even in hard times, is highly attuned to his emotions, gut reactions and other bodily symptoms. He views them as a kind of inner guide and he takes time to tune in to the messages being conveyed. In this way, he is constantly asking himself “what do I really want?” and “where am I in and out of balance?” Responding to these messages is helping Carl to make progress towards the life he is seeking to create.

How do we go about connecting – and staying connected – with the messages supplied by our bodily responses and emotions? Here are some thoughts from me. Some of them echo comments I have already made in the series of postings that accompanies my most recent newsletter:

• Step 1: Notice your feelings and bodily emotions at different times. You might do this by keeping a diary in which you take time to write about whatever is alive for you at the time of writing. You might do this by staying tuned to your inner responses at the time of an experience (such as a meeting or conversation). You might do this after the fact – as part of your post meeting debriefing, for example. To begin with, you may find it hard to make this connection. Step 2 is designed to help you if you do;
• Step 2: If you are not experiencing bodily feelings or emotions, notice what you are doing instead. Perhaps you are experiencing your life through your thoughts – thinking about others and maybe criticising them, for example. Perhaps you are taking actions to mask your feelings and other sensations – from drinking and smoking to watching TV. You may be quite happy to mask your experience in these or other ways. Or you may want to give yourself permission to experience your life more fully. If you do, you may find it helpful to seek professional help (see suggestions in Step 5, below);
• Step 3: Give equal weight to all your feelings. In coaching, I find that many clients sponsor some feelings and sensations whilst suppressing others. Over time, this can mean that they become aware – attuned and responsive – to some areas of their lives whilst blind to others. If you want to become and to stay fully connected, with all the benefits this can bring, let go of judgement and replace it with curiosity;
• Step 4: Ask yourself what your body or emotions are telling you. What is an emotion or sensation telling you about your needs? You may find all your thoughts are about others at this stage (“he should be doing X” or “I wish she’d do Y”). In this case ask yourself, what would it do for me if s/he did what I’m wanting? This helps you to form connections between your feelings, your desires of other people and the needs that underpin them both;
• Step 5: Make use of the many resources available to help you to become more attuned to your emotions and bodily sensations. You may want to observe others and to notice how attuned they are to their own emotions – and with what outcomes. You might like to start by reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. This lays out, very simply, the role our emotions can play and the connection between thoughts, needs and emotions. You might like to contact me (at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk) to discuss how coaching can support you – and the variety of other sources available to you.

And if you have questions or want to know more, please leave your comments here on the blog – I shall be delighted to respond.