In my recent newsletter I wrote about the characteristics that support us in thriving in hard times.

As I write, I think of the old joke – often attributed to the Irish – about the man on the road who stopped to ask for directions only to be told, “if that’s where you want to get to, I wouldn’t start from here!” For some of my readers, the traits I have identified may seem a long way away from their starting point. And yet, we can only start from where we are. I wrote:

If you, as reader of this article, are recognising aspects of yourself in Carl, you have a great deal to celebrate. You are already showing some of the behaviours and characteristics that are leading Carl, and others like him, to thrive. Perhaps the recession is centre stage for you – and you are confident you know how to thrive no matter what. Perhaps the economic downturn is far from being central to your current interests. Either way, you feel grounded and confident.

Either way, I offer one of the primary characteristics of those who know how to thrive, no matter what: acceptance. This is not to say that the Carls of this world are complacent and do nothing. Rather, they accept both their outer circumstances and their inner response as their starting point. For if we are to begin a journey – any journey – where can we hope to start from, if not from where we are?

As I prepare this blog posting, I wonder what can we do to cultivate acceptance. My own experience points to one habit above all others that we can cultivate: the habit of being curious about the intentions that lie behind our own and others’ behaviours. This is a habit that is offered by practitioners of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), nonviolent communication (NVC) and no doubt other schools of thinking, both secular and religious.

To be curious about our positive intentions is to ask “what am I wanting?” We do not stop at feeling angry or frustrated or happy or sad. Rather, we ask this simple question again and again until we get down to the root of our desires. Often, we know we have reached the foundations of our desires for two reasons. The first is that we are no longer thinking in terms of a specific action (“I want John to do X”) or object (“I want a new car right away”). Rather, we are thinking about the underlying need that would be met by such an action or object (“I want to be accepted” or “I want to make my own choices”, for example). Reaching this depth of understanding leads us to the second sign that we have reached the foundations of our desires. For when we do, we often let go of our feelings of frustration, anger etc. and feel a deep sense of peace – acceptance. In NLP, this is decribed as a change of state. In NVC, practitioners sometimes talk about the living energy of needs.

NLP also recognises that different parts of us may appear, on the surface, to want different – even contradictory – things. So, the NLP Practitioner is interested in the dialogue we have with different parts of ourselves and in understanding the underlying intentions of each part. In NLP and NVC enquiring in this way can save us from the paradox that comes when we judge ourselves for judging others. This is a bit like the adult who slaps a child and says: “Don’t hit your brother!” Understanding our positive intentions – all our positive intentions – allows us to find a place of acceptance and to begin to explore effective strategies to meet our needs.

And what about being curious about the positive intentions of others, especially when we feel angry or frustrated by the impact their behaviours have on us? NLP teaches us that every behaviour has a positive intention. Even to understand this is to begin to accept – we may not know what the intention is behind a thought or action and still, we know there is one. NVC invites us to go further and to enquire, recognising that the person with whom we are in contact may not fully understand their own desires. We might say, “Jane, are you feeling frustrated because you’re wanting some appreciation for your actions?” It doesn’t matter that we’re right or wrong as long as we are making a sincere attempt to understand. Of course, we may not always be in dialogue with people or organisations whose behaviours we are struggling to accept. At times, whether up close or at a distance, it helps simply to remember that we can’t change others’ behaviour – we can only change our own.

As I write I am searching for the words to do justice to the role that coaching plays in helping people to understand their own intentions so that they can find ways of meeting needs of which, previously, they were only dimly aware. What a privilege to be able to support clients in this way – and to be a witness to the results!