There was a time in my life when I became known as “Dorothy Nesbit-with-one-t”. For when the majority of people add a ‘t’ to your name that doesn’t belong, why would you not spare them from being corrected by providing guidance ahead of time?

Today, it is a missing ‘t’ that made the difference between meditation and mediation. Yes, meditation, mediation, meditation… it’s all in the ‘t’. For as I write, I am anticipating with a great sense of excitement taking part in a three-day training programme in transcendental meditation, beginning on Wednesday. This has been a long time coming – I booked it months ago. When I mentioned it today in an e-mail to a colleague, she asked me if I had any recommendations for training in mediation – that missing ‘t’! As it happens, I do have some thoughts from the sidelines.

Mediation has as its aim to resolve disputes between parties. Sometimes, this is a way of finding a way forward without going to court. Some people see mediation as a way to reach a compromise, with everything that this word implies: “if I give you x, will you give me y?” The result can be a pale shadow of the outcomes that either party yearned for, even whilst carrying the title “agreement”.

In my view, mediation at its best goes beyond surface demands to understand the deep needs each party brings. Perhaps the business partner who has asked for a 60% payback when his partner insists on selling the business is really wanting recognition for the contribution he has made. Or maybe he wants to express his hurt or anger that his partner has taken a unilateral decision to sell. Perhaps the mother who argues for full custody of her children after her husband has left her is anxious that her now ex-husband will fail to care appropriately for their children if he is granted joint custody. Or maybe she wants understanding for the pain she feels and for which she is holding her husband responsible. When we understand our own deep needs and those of the person with whom we are in dispute we are already nine 10ths of the way towards finding ways in which the needs of both parties can be amicably met.

So, whilst not being an expert in mediation, I offer as a starting point the reading of Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. Understanding nonviolent communication or ‘NVC’ is, in my view, an essential foundation for effective mediation. The Center for Nonviolent Communication also offers training in mediation (see http://www.cnvc.org/ under Conflict Resolution).