Tag Archives: nonviolent communication

Peeling away the layers of my “genius”

Coaching,

Recently I wrote about the challenge (one that we all face) of living from my genius.  There is a paradox in this, for we always bring our genius – it’s who we are.  At the same time, if we are unaware of our genius, we are at risk of living in first gear, a pale shadow of our true selves.  If your “job purpose” is to live from your genius, it really helps to know what it is.

This week, I took away a big “aha!” from my Genius Jam teleconference with colleagues who, like me, are working with Kathy Mallary to examine and improve our marketing and the way we attract and serve our true clients.  My big “aha!” (which also had the familiarity of the known – so it was actually a ‘small, big “aha!'”) has helped me understand my genius a little better.

I already understood that a key question for me is “am I living authentically?” When I am, I know that I am having conversations with people (I call these “real conversations”) in which I speak my truth knowing that it doesn’t matter what their response is. Looking back through the filing cabinet of my experiences I know that these conversations give me what I need to move forward and especially to know, do I want to hang out with this person or not?

Today I realise that it is when I am having these conversations that I am stepping into and living from my power. Even as I write I feel the full power of this – or should I say empowerment.  It is not a “power over” anyone else. Rather, it is an invitation to people to live powerfully with me in the world – you could say it is an invitation to “power with”. This concept is pretty key to my understanding of nonviolent communication (ref. Marshall Rosenberg) so there’s no surprise that both are compelling to me.

There’s something about this insight which is both new and not new.  And still, it’s enough to help me to sink a little deeper into my true genius.  If you like, it’s enough to help me embody my true genius – just that little bit more.

Receiving the waves of gratitude

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Do you have people in your life with whom you share membership of the Mutual Admiration Club? These are people you hold in high regard and who hold you in their hearts in the same way. Dorota Godby is one of these. Through our participation in several learning events we have had the opportunity to support and be supported by each other and in this way to witness and benefit from each other’s skills.

In June I observed how Dorota was able to be present to the needs and feelings of others at Vicky Pierce’s Barn – how she took time with people to explore with them what feelings were arising in the moment and supported them in connecting with their underlying needs. This was empathy as a high art and I watched with admiration as well as experiencing the sense of deep peace that can come when I am in a space of such intimacy, trust and presence.

I also benefitted from Dorota’s support myself as I explored some of my own feelings about being single. Dorota showed the same sensitivity, supporting me as I connected with a yearning for the level of intimacy that is possible in a committed relationship. Later, she brought a playfulness to our conversation about the man I would love to meet. I haven’t met him yet though I’d love to.

I was thrilled when Dorota asked me for some support in August, when we were both at NVC (that’s Nonviolent Communication) Summer Camp together. We took some time on the last day of camp to do some work which was deeply personal to Dorota. I felt the same sense of privilege that I always feel when I am both coach and witness to people in support of their progress towards lives that are more authentic, easy and fulfilling. It was a further blessing to receive Dorota’s update to me which I share (with her permission) below:

Now I’m talking to you, I want also to share my joy and gratitude following the mediation space you held for me on the last day of the NVC camp. I hope that you’ve been receiving the waves of gratitude I’ve been sending your way non-verbally but I’ll articulate it here too.

I’ve seen such changes in and around me as a result of our work. It’s been integrating into my normality and making it a richer, sweeter and more satisfying experience compared to previous exhaustion and harshness. The most recent experience of it was on a work project in Oxford last week. In the 4 days of space clearing and emotional support that went with it, I was able to navigate the process with spaciousness and compassion and not a bunch of well meaning but oppressing “shoulds”. It was a big difference for me: instead of the lever being stuck on “maximum performance maximum of time”, it went with what was needed, how much and when and both me and my client were delighted with the process.

Dorota Godby
Relationship communication coach

Staying connected

Emotional Intelligence,

Popular convention in the world of communication favours such questions as “how is your sister?” or, knowing that the person you are asking has been finding it difficult to communicate with another person in ways that work well for both parties, “how are things going with your sister?”  (You can substitute any number of alternatives for sister – brother, mother, mother-in-law, partner etc.).  This is the question my friend (let’s call her Fiona) asked me over supper the other day.

Quickly, I find I am not enjoying the conversation that follows, with so many questions coming my way about how I feel that we seem to be going round in circles with none of them hitting the mark.  In my head I am thinking judgemental thoughts about my friend which mask my true feelings of discomfort so that it’s only after she has gone home that I connect with my confusion:  what needs was she trying to meet by asking so many questions?  I just don’t know.

I muster my courage and share my confusion, writing in an e-mail:  I pondered our discussion about my sister… looking back I can see I was (am) totally unclear about the needs it was serving to have the conversation… I’ll do my best to remember to ask next time. Answering your questions was a way of trying to stay in rapport – and yet I was finding it hard to stay in the present moment. I also recognise that insofar as we were talking about it I had a need to be understood so that I kept trying to answer your questions. Still pondering – wanting to learn from it.  And later in our correspondence I realise (and share):   I do recognise that when I [responded to your questions without a clear understanding of your needs] I was using an old strategy of staying in rapport with you at the expense of my own needs.

We are two people who are seeking to practise living consciously.  I am grateful for Fiona’s willingness to talk about the way we are communicating and for her request to me to share with her what she can do and say differently that would contribute to me – would meet my needs.  Pondering her question I realise that for everything I can ask of her there is a request I can make of myself or of her so that I, too, can make a difference.  Here are some of the things that I identify and share with her:

  • I’d love you to know what needs you are trying to meet when you ask me questions and to share them with me so that I can respond to your needs (and I recognise that I can also ask you what your needs are and share my confusion when I don’t understand them);
  • I’d love you to ask me an open question about how things are for me – and to show me that you are listening to my answer (and I can ask you to show me that you’re listening by asking you to tell me what you hear.  In this way, I can also know if I am expressing myself clearly);
  • I’d love you to take time to connect with me in the here and now, perhaps by asking how I feel about the thing we’re talking about (and I can tell you what I’m feeling in the here and now – and this includes sharing my discomfort and confusion when your questions leave me feeling less present rather than more present);
  • I’d love you to share your own experience in our conversation – how you are feeling and what needs of yours are being met (or not) (and I can ask you questions so that I understand your feelings and needs in a given moment.  This might also support you in staying connected).

For me, this is about staying connected – with ourselves and with each other.  The more each one of us is connected with our true feelings and needs in any given moment, the more we are able to connect with each other.  I ponder the “how are things with your sister?” question again and notice:  sometimes, talking about what’s going on with another person (someone who is not taking part in the conversation) can divert our attention from what’s going on between us.  For me, living consciously includes noticing and addressing this “elephant in the room”.

Giving feedback: what do you do when someone just isn’t getting it?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What can you do when you’ve given someone feedback and they’re just not getting it?  This is a common dilemma at work and opens up two possibilities.  The first is to adjust your approach to giving feedback until you’ve been successful in giving your feedback in a way which can be heard and understood.  The second is to take your frustration elsewhere – to share it with your filing cabinet, colleagues, spouse or pubmates, for example.  Often, the first option is the most difficult.  At the same time, when we give feedback we do so for a reason – there’s something we want to change as a result.

Recently a colleague from the world of nonviolent communication (or NVC) highlighted a brief video on YouTube of coaching by Miki Kashtan* in how to say “no” when someone wants your time at work.  Miki’s coaching helps the person wanting to give feedback whilst also helping to preserve the dignity of the person receiving the feedback.  When we get it right, it’s not just that our feedback is heard and understood:  both parties have new insights which they can apply across their lives, they understand each other better and their sense of trust and connection is preserved and maybe deepened, too.

For me, Miki’s coaching illustrates some common ways we use language and their limitations.  One of these is to speak generally when we give feedback rather than to highlight specific examples.  This can have the effect of making it hard for the recipient to hear and understand our feedback whilst at the same time carrying the risk of making a statement about the person rather than about specific behaviours which didn’t work for the giver of feedback on particular occasions.  The person receiving feedback can be left with an uneasy feeling as they absorb the message that they’ve “done something wrong” and maybe even the message that there’s “something wrong with them” without being able to understand the message and its implications.

A second way in which we commonly use language when we give feedback is to mix together the other person’s behaviour and our response to that behaviour.  “You talk too much” would be one example:  you only need to scratch the surface of this statement a little to realise that we don’t know how much a person talks when they “talk too much” though we can infer that the person giving the feedback is not enjoying it.  So common is this language pattern that most of us would not even notice it.

Perhaps Miki’s brief video (just ten minutes long) illustrates something else, too.  Beneath the label “nonviolent communication” – a label that can seem off-putting to some – lie both sound thinking and practical alternatives to aspects of communicating in our culture which limit the results we can achieve.

*Miki is co-founder and senior trainer at BayNVC in Oakland, CA, USA, host of the Conflict Hotline on KPFA radio, and for several years coordinator of the global CNVC project on applying NVC to social change.

On the challenges of “being the change”

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Many times, Mahatma Gandhi invited people to “be the change you want to see in the world”.  Gandhi pioneered satyagraha, or the resistance of tyranny through mass civil disobedience.  As much as he was firm in his pursuit of the rights of Indian people, Gandhi was also committed to total nonviolence.  Gandhi’s invitation to “be the change” brings us back to some essential truths.  Why should others embody ways of being that we ourselves do not embody?  And anyway, the truth is, we cannot change the others, we can only change ourselves.

For me, understanding these truths has been an important part of what brought me to coaching – to being a coach. And like peeling the layers of an onion, I find that every time I reach one new frontier in my learning another one opens up. And yes, from time to time, life sends a reminder that I’m not there yet. This is how it was last week.

On Tuesday, in conversation with person A, I listened to her as she expressed a view I didn’t share and said it didn’t resonate with me.  When she repeated it I said I found it more helpful to look at it differently and shared my thinking.  When she repeated it a third time I found my emotions were triggered.  Our conversation turned from the matter in hand to the way we were interacting with each other.

On Wednesday, I was sitting next to person B’s wife on the London Underground as, standing in front of us both,  he told her how much he disliked the English.  As the people around him began to exchange glances at each other I felt the discomfort rising in me as I listened to him talk and talk and talk… I was grateful when, eventually, two women claiming to be off-duty officers invited him to leave the train.

On Thursday, I finally got round to responding to an e-mail on a forum for followers of nonviolent communication from person C.  It was an e-mail I hadn’t enjoyed reading and I was concerned for the person she’s written it to as well as concerned about its effect on the wider group.  I decided to share my concerns openly and to invite a conversation amongst group members.

As the week progressed I found myself reflecting more and more on what was going on in me in response to all these exeriences.  Following each experience I recognised just how much I was putting the focus of my attention on the other person.  Surely person A should hear and respect me when I shared with her that I simply didn’t share her view – and let it go!  Surely person B should know in advance that talking about how much you dislike the English on the London Underground was going to offend people and cause an argument!  Surely person C should see that her e-mail – on a forum for students of nonviolence – was at odds with some of the most fundamental teachings we seek to follow!  Even as I write I feel the seductive lure of putting the other person in the wrong.

Catching myself in this way of thinking I remind myself that violence – and nonviolence – begins on the inside, with our thoughts and feelings.  Even if we follow all the steps that we can identify en route to nonviolence, if we do so from a place of wanting to be right, we fuel violence in the world.  Thinking in this way I am not being the change I want to see in the world.  This is not to say that I would want to hold back from expressing a different view or making a request of the other person.  Rather, this is to recognise that I would like to do so whilst accepting that, like me, they are where they are, doing the best they know how in a given moment.

And as my perspective starts to shift, I see reasons to be grateful to these people, each and every one.  For my experiences with them are a reminder of my own aspirations, to be able to respond to behaviours I don’t enjoy, to express my needs and to make requests of others whilst accepting them fully as my brothers and sisters in this world – and whilst accepting their behaviour as OK, the best way they know how to meet their needs at a given point in time.  What’s more, my experiences are a reminder that I am on my way – and still not there yet.

The dance of acceptance

Emotional Intelligence,

What does it mean to “see” another and to “be seen”?  How do we know when we are being seen?  And how does this link to meeting our need for acceptance?  These questions came up in conversation today and I found myself pondering them on the train on my way to a meeting.

Marshall Rosenberg, author of perhaps my most treasured book, Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life, identifies the need for acceptance as a need we all share – a universal need.  Just for now I am going to define the need for acceptance as the need to be seen in the round and to be accepted as we are.  You will notice that by this definition the need for acceptance and the question of being “seen” are tied up one with another.

So, our need is met when we know that we are seen (if you like, that others notice things about us that are true and respond to these, rather than focusing their attention on some idea of what or how we “ought” to be or imagining things to be true which are not) and we know that we are accepted for who we are. 

Even as I begin to write I recognise that, in practice, this is an area full of paradoxes and conundrums.  One of these, amongst many, lies in the question of what is “true” about us.  Families are full of truths which can jar with individual family members even though they may recognise the objective truth of each statement (“he’s the bright one” or “she’s the outgoing one”) because they reduce the individual to a single trait and one, what’s more, which is assigned to them by comparison with other family members.  So, even whilst we recognise the description that is assigned to us we do not have a felt sense of being seen.  Somehow something deeper is required.

And then there’s another conundrum.  Psychologists have a whole list of terms to describe the processes by which we accept parts of ourselves and reject others – this process, too, has its roots in our upbringing.  Constant comparison with a more extrovert sibling, for example, may lead an individual to think he is shy when no-one outside the family would see him as such.  Or we may reject some of our greatest strengths or talents and develop a “golden shadow”, so that when someone comments on our extraordinary skill in this area we do not feel we have been seen because we are not seeing ourselves in the round.  And because of this, our need for acceptance is not met.

And then there’s the question of the evolving self.  For whilst some qualities may be woven through us like a thread of gold others may be our adaptive (or maladaptive) response to the particular circumstances of our life at a particular point in time.  If we cast these responses into the concrete belief that they represent us as we truly are we may alienate ourselves from possibilities for growth and for getting to know ourselves.

And perhaps this brings us to an underlying thread when it comes to our need to be seen and accepted.  The truth is, our need for acceptance can be and is met to the extent that we are on the road towards knowing and accepting ourselves.  This suggests the need to be in rapport with ourselves – to be willing and able to notice what is true of us both in the round and at a particular moment in time.  It also suggests being in rapport with another who is able to see us and share with us what they see in ways which we can hear and understand.  And for that other to be a true witness, it implies someone who in turn is able to be present to him- or herself  before he or she can be a witness to another.

This is the dance of acceptance:  of seeing and of being seen.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Making peace on peace day

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Our news is often filled with evidence of conflict on a grand scale. It can give the impression that conflict is a large-scale affair taking place some way away and in which, by implication, many of us have no part.

Yet the most cursory survey can remind us of the conflict that is in our lives. Perhaps you have some inner conflict that is leaving you feeling torn right now – for whatever reason. Perhaps you are aware of some conflict in your workplace, barely expressed but simmering and visible. Perhaps, as you survey your immediate and extended family, you notice myriad major and minor disagreements which, over time, have been written into the ongoing “story” of your family.

Today, 21st September, is Peace Day, an annual day whose significance is growing around the world. You can find out about Peace Day by watching two short videos at the Pathfinder website or by going to http://www.peaceoneday.org/.

In talking about peace, I’d like to mention the work of Marshall Rosenberg (as I have done many times) author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. Marshall has dedicated many years to evolving and sharing a way of communication which promotes peace.

Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations, asks in the short films I mention above: “What will you do to make peace on 21st September?” I offer the following suggestions for any reader who is seeking inspiration and I also invite you to share via the comments box below: What did you do today to make peace and with what outcomes?

Here are my suggestions:

  • Try peace on for size: take five minutes to contemplate a world in which peace is the norm. As you imagine this world, notice what it evokes in you – what feelings, thoughts and so on. And if you find yourself thinking “yes, but” let go of the gap between now and peacetime and step back into living in a world in which peace is the norm;
  • Take ten minutes to find out about Peace Day by watching the videos above or going to http://www.peaceoneday.org/;
  • If you haven’t read Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life, buy your copy today – and be sure to read it before this time next year!
  • Ask yourself, is there anyone with whom I’d like to make peace right now? And if there is, consider what steps you can take to make peace with that person or people;
  • Talk about peace today. Follow your instincts to decide who you would like to talk with and ask them if they know that today is international Peace Day.

Empathy and 21st Century Enlightenment

Developing as a leader, ,

The RSA is a charity which encourages the development of a principled, prosperous society and the release of human potential.  As a Fellow, I appreciate the RSA’s ongoing programme of talks and occasionally dine in the RSA’s wonderful restaurant even whilst being aware that I am barely scratching the surface of what the RSA has to offer and of what I have to offer to the RSA.

I was curious this week to receive a link to a talk by Matthew Taylor, the RSA’s current chief executive, about 21st Century Enlightenment.  This is available on the RSA’s website and on YouTube.  It’s not only that the visual image which accompanies Taylor’s presentation is an intriguing live illustration by cognitive media (which you can download at their website at http://www.cognitivemedia.co.uk/).  It’s also that the substance of Taylor’s presentation is highly thought-provoking and intriguing.

Above all, I take from his presentation the question of the role that empathy has to play in shaping the world we live in as we go forward.  As an admirer of Marshall Rosenberg’s work in the area of nonviolent communication as well as through my work as an Executive Coach I am used to exploring the role of empathy and how to develop empathy in the context of the individual and his or her interactions with others.  Taylor’s presentation raises a much larger question for me:  what role does empathy play in the way we shape our society, including social policy and the way we live?  What role should it play going forward?

What are your thoughts?

Returning from NVC summer camp

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It’s my second day back in the office after returning from NVC summer camp.  Nonviolent communication (also NVC or compassionate communication) starts from the intention of connecting with others and seeking to find ways in which everyone’s needs can be met.  In my own work as a coach I aim to hold people as resourceful and whole:  NVC does the same.

And yes, it was a busman’s holiday for me.  Some of my most precious moments were moments of connection and conversations in which I was able to draw on my skills as a coach in support of my friends and colleagues on the camp.  You know you are doing the work you love when you do it whether or not you are being paid.

I return with such a sense of nourishment and celebration.  I enjoyed connecting with people I know well and people I met for the first time at camp.  Opting for the “glamping” option (staying nearby in a house rented for the occasion) I cherish the community of women and children in the house.  I wonder whether Mark, who joined us several days in, is an honorary woman or an honorary child – maybe both.  I also celebrate the men on the camp and especially those moments when I witnessed the men supporting each other in the fulness of emotions that can arise when we commit to live from the heart.

Even as I write I feel the fullness of my heart and I experience this as a state – a way of being – that I want to maintain.  It’s not always easy in the busy-ness of everyday life.

My thanks to Des and all the team at the Rainbow Mill for making it possible to come together in this way.  Words aren’t quite enough to express the depth of gratitude I feel when I think of the many needs met and the fullness of a life lived in this way.

Nonviolent Communication: resources for beginners

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All approaches to communication have applications in every area of our personal, group and societal lives.  For most people – let’s be clear, if there are exceptions, I don’t yet know them – the basic approaches to communication that we use are consistent in a number of respects.  Most of us, for example, communicate in line with beliefs and values which are consistent across the full range of our business and personal relationships.  We all have positive intentions when we communicate with others.

At the same time, for many of us, there are aspects of our communication that are both habitual and unexamined.  In particular, we may be unaware of the beliefs that inform our approach to communication.  And we may fail to notice the unintended (including negative) consequences of our chosen approach.  This is so commonplace that we can assume that the blind spots we have individually are a reflection of more widely-held blindspots in a culture or cultures which practise the same approach to communication.  (Indeed, in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths* Daniel Goleman makes a compelling case to this effect).

Over the years, I have become a fan of a number of thinkers whose work points to alternative approaches which tend to support the healing of old misunderstandings and to communicate in ways which facilitate understanding and connection in the present moment.  For this reason I admire and engage actively in the work of Marshall Rosenberg (author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life).

Now, all this is by way of introduction to some resources that were highlighted to me by Ray Taylor, a colleague in the world of Nonviolent Communication who shared two recordings which are available on-line and offer a clear introduction to Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).  Just follow the links as follows:  the first is an introduction to NVC by Marshall Rosenberg and the second is a link to a number of talks by Jorge Rubio.  I wish you happy listening.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.