Tag Archives: Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Ways to liberate yourself from the power of the amygdala hijack

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In recent days I have been writing about what Goleman labelled the “amygdala hijack” in his book Emotional Intelligence.  In this posting I want to offer some options for the person who wants to reduce the destructive power of the hijack in their lives and perhaps even to transform this energy into a power for good.  I don’t go into any option in depth (though that may come later).  Rather, I open up avenues for exploration – options to play with (and, as they say on all the reality TV shows nowadays, “in no particular order”):

  • One option which dampens the fire of amygdala emotion is to develop the practice of inserting words and phrases by which we take ownership of our thoughts – such words and phrases as “I believe…” or “I have a voice within me that’s saying…”  There’s a world of difference, for example, between saying that “you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space” and saying “I believe you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space”.  Even if we insert this phrase into our thinking it shines a light on the self rather than the other and makes us more likely to remind ourselves of the role we are playing.  Quite simply, the emotional sting is not so sharp when we own our thoughts in this way;
  • Another option is to remind yourself that you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself.  Like the option above this brings our attention back to where it belongs – to the self.  Why does it belong here?  Not least because this is where we have the power to make changes.  Perhaps it’s worth adding that Gandhi took this idea one step further with his oft repeated mantra to “be the change you want to be in the world”.  In other words, what is it you would like to see in the other person that you are not seeing?  And are you demonstrating the same qualities ourselves?  To explore this is to begin to set an example in the area that is so important to us;
  • Another – and no less challenging – option (look out for a posting on this) is to let go of the idea that there is anything wrong.  The idea that someone should be another way is the fast-track route to the amygdala hijack.  If you start from the premise that the situation – or person or event – is what it is you can begin to focus your attention elsewhere.  (I mentioned Katie Byron in my first posting and you might like to explore her work in this area);
  • Another option is to look behind your immediate emotions for the underlying emotions you feel and for the needs of yours that are not being met in a situation.  This opens up the possibility of sharing your needs and making a request of the other person.  As simple as this sounds in theory, this level of ownership of our feelings and needs takes practice in a culture in which many of us are alienated from our underlying feelings and needs.  Marshall Rosenberg has made it his mission to share this simple approach under the name of Nonviolent Communication;
  • You might like to master the NLP “meta-mirror” or a similar approach as a way to transform highly charged emotion.  I wrote about this technique in my recent posting (Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom).  This is an approach designed to transform our perspective.  You can read about this, too, in my recent postings (As a meta of fact);
  • Finally, I offer the ultimate test of all:  speak to the person or people involved and share what’s going on for you.  I offer this not because it is the most effective communication strategy.  Rather, I offer this because it is probably the ultimate test for you of where you’re at.  Initially, it’s quite possible that sharing yourself in this way may lead to good old-fashioned argument!  In this way, you’ll know your way of thinking is off the mark.  Over time, as you become more self aware, the thought of sharing what’s alive for you may prompt you to say “mmm… I have more work to do to transform my way of thinking before I share”.  Ultimately, there may be relationships in which you do want to share your thoughts and feelings and to ask for the other person’s understanding.

Finally, I reach out to you and invite your insights and experiences.  Which of these approaches have you tried and with what outcomes?  What other approaches have you tried that work for you?

What is it you really want? Getting to the heart of your needs

Emotional Intelligence, ,

As I begin to write this posting I have a sneaking susipcion that I may have written it already and still, this is a topic that comes up again and again and again:  what is it that you really want?  Coaching helps people to clarify what they really want and, at the same time, it is not unusual for my clients to find it challenging to tune into their desires.  This posting is prompted by conversations with one such client and also supports recent postings.

Firstly, let’s clarify one thing.  What is the difference between “wants” and “needs”?  The school of NLP (to which I shall return below) offers the question “what do you want?” whilst the school of nonviolent communication (or NVC) talks about needs.  What’s the difference?  In truth, when we drill down far enough we get beyond the surface manifestations of our desires to understand the needs that (we think) would be met if were to have what we want.  This is the difference between the promotion or the big flash car (the strategy by which we plan to meet our needs) and the sense that we are seen and admired (the need we hope to meet by that strategy).  It helps to understand the underlying need as a way to test the strategy by which we plan to meet it – is the promotion (or… insert your own strategy here) the right tool for the job?

But how do we test our true needs?  NLP (I said I would return to NLP) offers a neat questioning strategy to do this.  The first question is simple:  “what do I want?”  So far so good – often the answer expresses a strategy rather than the needs that lie beneath the strategy.  So, the second question probes further:  “what would that do for me?”  By repeating the second question we come ever closer to identifying the underlying needs we are hoping to meet.

My client asked me what she might be looking for when she identifies a need so I offer a link to the needs identified by Marshall Rosenberg and colleagues on the Center for Nonviolent Communication (see needs list).  Key to this list is the non-specific nature of each need.  When we understand that our underlying need is for support, for example, we are no longer bound to meet it in one and only one way.  We can start to get creative.  What support do we need?  And what (multiple) forms might that support take that would meet our need?

There are at least two good signs that we have understood our needs.  The first is that we have gone beyond any physical manifestation of our need to identify something that does not have physical form (such as love, or respect or honesty).  A second good sign is the feeling that accompanies this identification of our need.  I experience this as a kind of “coming home”, a moment when I become calm and contented even when the need has yet to be met.

And yes, this is an amazing thing about identifying our needs in this way.  By being present to our needs we have a sense of fullness rather than a sense of lack.  In the world of nonviolent communication, Robert Gonzales and colleagues describe this as the living energy of needs.

Welcoming your parts to the party

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In recent weeks I have written a couple of times about the idea that we have different “parts”, in my postings From the stable of NLP: parts integration and Championing your inner parts.  But how many parts do we have?  And how do you begin to identify your parts?  This question was brought to me recently – though not for the first time – by a client who was becoming aware of the different parts of her which were responding in diverse situations.

In case you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, I offer an example from my own experience.  I remember taking part in a major research project, in 1999, into what differentiates the most outstanding teachers.  The project included visiting schools across the country to interview 180 teachers, as well as observing lessons and a range of additional activities.  Since I have no children of my own my visits to school are rare so my first visit to a school on this project reminded me powerfully of my own school days – it was as if Dorothy the school girl was showing up all over again with all the fears and excitements she brought to her own experience of school.  The experience of visiting that first school was, at the time, a strong invitation to that younger me.

How many parts do we have?  Caroline Myss, in her book Sacred Contracts:  Awakening Your Divine Potential, draws on Jung’s theories to highlight the role of universal archetypes in our lives, suggesting that each of us has up to twelve archetypes that are strongly in play in our lives as well as others whose energies come into play in particular situations.  Further, she suggests that each archetype has both a positive and a “shadow” side and, as such, are guardians of important lessons as part of what she calls our “sacred contract”.

Many clients of coaching, for example, are familiar with – and in all likelihood frustrated by – their saboteur archetype.  This is the part of us which can cause us to hold back and to make choices which block our own empowerment and success.  “What can be the good in that?”, you might ask.  In some schools of thinking the saboteur is cast as a “gremlin” which we are invited to ignore.  In some schools of thinking, the saboteur is seen as the guardian of our safety.  Myss sees the saboteur as the guardian of an important lession for us:  drawing to our attention situations in which we are in danger of being sabotaged or of sabotaging ourselves.  With awareness, we can learn to heed the warnings of the saboteur and to avoid making the same mistakes repeatedly.  Without awareness, the shadow saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviour or the desire to undermine others.

Myss’ book is a rich resource for anyone who wants to study this subject more fully and includes descriptions of a wide range of archetypes which help the reader to identify their own “support team”.  At the same time there are other ways to become familiar with our parts so I offer some questions here as my “starter for ten”, in case you want to identify and get to know your parts:

  • In the different areas of your life, which “you” is showing up?  Take time over days, weeks or months to notice the different “yous” who show up across the full range of your life;
  • As you identify each “you”, notice what you know about him or her.  How old is she, for example?  How tall?  What does she wear?  Where does she hang out?  I could go on… 
  • In the way that she’s showing up right now, is she a force for good or ill in your life?  How do you respond to him or her?  This is an important question, highlighting areas where you have yet to learn to cooperate with your parts and to work together to the benefit of your learning and progress;
  • What is the primary intention of each part?  What purpose or even lesson does he or she represent in your life?  To what extent have you learnt that lesson?

In most cases, we have parts that we favour and some that we firmly reject.  Understanding the purpose each part plays in our lives can lead us to new learning and to a relationship with each part which supports us rather than undermines us.  For this reason I invite you to welcome each part – each “you”.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom

All articles, Alternative approaches

This morning I am thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom.

Well, perhaps I should be more precise.  I am thinking of all the meta-mirrors in my bedroom.  The meta-mirror is a technique from neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) which helps people to transform negative feelings towards another person and to take the learning from a situation that will help to release feelings of anger, frustration and more.  As a technique, it’s easy to learn and easy to apply.

NLP often uses physical space in the process of making mental distinctions and the meta-mirror is no exception.  This is why I think of my bedroom when I think of the meta-mirror.  It’s not only that I like to use this ample space when I want to process some feelings I have about a person or situation.  It’s also that on the rare occasions when I am feeling angry or frustrated, it makes sense to do this processing before I go to bed in order to be able to get a good night’s sleep.

Over time, using this technique seems to build in a muscle that is pre-emptive.  The anger and frustration is less right from the beginning because the ways of thinking that produce it are changing.  There’s no “sainthood” involved – just an ongoing process of learning.

Over the years I have taught this technique in various settings and found it invaluable.  I still remember teaching it to a group of headteachers as part of a training in coaching skills.  I like to demonstrate it before having participants try it out themselves.  Later, the headteacher who had been my demo subject on that day told me the experience had changed his life.

Frogs Into Princes

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The trouble with many professional ethical codes, whether they are humanistic, analytic or anything else, is that they limit your behaviour.  And whenever you accept any “I won’t do it,” there are people you are not going to be able to work with.  We went into that same ward at Napa and I walked over and stomped on the catatonic’s foot as hard as I could and got an immediate response.  He came right out of “catatonia,” jumped up, and said “Don’t do that!”
Frogs Into Princes
Richard Bandler and John Grinder
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the originators of what has become widely known as Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, began their work when they set out to study the work of some of the most effective therapists of their era, including Milton Erikson, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir.  Frogs Into Princes, first published in 1979, is compiled of live transcriptions of some of their early seminars.
I must confess that, prior to studying NLP through a number of Practitioner, Master Practitioner and Coach programmes (where I chose to follow up on my own initial participation by becoming a member of the teams that supported these trainings to further my learning), I found reading about NLP about as easy a way to learn as learning Chinese by reading Mandarin.  I just didn’t get it.  Later, when I had already completed my NLP Practitioner, I made a mental note when a colleague told me that, for her, reading Frogs Into Princes was the experience that had first brought NLP alive.  And when I found a copy recently for less than twenty pounds I decided to buy it.
Reading it, I can see that it has something for everybody.  For the reader who is new to NLP it contains many examples of the ground NLP has covered, from specific techniques (re-framing and the phobia cure to name just two) to a number of assumptions which have become guiding principles of NLP.  The example given at the top of this posting illustrates at least two of them:  If what you are doing is not working, change it.  Do anything else and The meaning of the communication is the response you get.
For the seasoned Practitioner, Frogs Into Princes offers insight into Bandler and Grinder’s work, including the initial context in which they worked and the work itself.  They really did mean it when they encouraged you to try something else – anything else – if what you are not doing is not working.  I laughed out loud when I read the example given above and a number of other examples.  I was also reminded of the power of NLP to open up any number of new possibilities to the practitioner in his or her own life and in the lives of the people with whom he or she lives and works.
I talk about the people we work with in the broadest terms because NLP has expanded in its application way beyond the therapeutic field in which Bandler and Grinder originally studied.  The lessons of NLP are available to be applied in every area of life.  NLP can help the most senior leaders to share their visions in ways which capture the imaginations of those they lead.  NLP can help the classroom teacher to adjust his or her approach in order more effectively to support individual pupils.  NLP can help the husband or wife, at his or her wits end, learn how better to communicate with his or her partner.
I would add, almost as a PS, that there is one criticism that has often been levelled at NLP, that it is in some way manipulative.  If you want to form your own view of this, you could do worse than read Frogs Into Princes.  Who knows, you might well discover that turning your own frog into a prince begins with you.  NLP is, above all, about self-mastery.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Championing your inner parts

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Have you noticed how, when you are in conflict with yourself, there’s a part of you you champion and a part of you you like to tell to p*ss off?  Which part you champion depends on the values you espouse and still, you are unusual if you champion yourself in the full glory of all your parts.  So, a part of you basks in the light of your approval whilst another part of you prowls around in the shadows.  And guess what, it is rarely the part you champion that “wins”.

The result can be a kind of inner stasis, even whilst you are seeking to move forward.  You want to write that proposal or to phone that client or to stop eating chocolate or… or… or…  And yet, somehow, when it comes to the crunch, you are guided by the part of you you most condemn.

Some thinkers view these “shadow” parts as gremlins to be conquered – overcome by force in order to make way for those parts we most favour.  I prefer to view them differently.  For each part has a positive intention even if the means by which that intention is made manifest is unhelpful at this stage of our lives.  When we respond to the different parts of ourselves we can afford to champion them all, to take time to ask “what is it that you really want for me?” and to thank each part for acting as the guardian of this positive intention.  Only from this position of embracing our different parts can we begin the journey towards finding new ways to fulfill old intentions.

In case you want to take a new approach and to connect with your parts in conflict, here are some steps you can take to get started:

  • Start by saying hello to each part in turn.  You may be surprised and still, they will answer back;
  • Let them know that you’d like to spend some time with each part in turn and ask them, will they let you do this without interrupting each other?  If you get a “no” you might like to ask what’s needed before each part feels comfortable to give the other space;
  • Take time with each part in turn – how about five minutes with one and then a break before five minutes with another?  Let each part know that you trust that it has positive intentions and be honest with either part if you have not understood what its intentions are.  If you don’t know, ask!
  • You might like to take time every day for this over several days.  Notice how open you are to hearing what each part wants for you;
  • Say “thank you” to each part for his or her good intentions for you.  When you can say thank you with full sincerity you are ready to be the champion of your inner parts, just as they have been seeking to champion you.  And guess what!  Since each part is just that – a part of you – you are, in this way, championing yourself.

As a footnote, I would add that whilst you may value the intentions each part has for you, you may find its way of fulfilling its intentions highly frustrating.  At the same time, if you want to agree new ways to fulfill those intentions, you will need to do this from a place of mutual respect and appreciation – that’s between you and your different parts.

From the stable of NLP: “parts integration”

All articles, Alternative approaches

Jamais deux sans trois, as the French would say.  It seems to me that all my clients are bringing inner conflict to our coaching right now.  This is hardly surprising since we all, at times, experience the inner voices that seem to be in conflict with each other.  The clues are in our language (“on the one hand… and on the other hand…”), in the way we feel (typically, torn) and in our vision of two diametrically opposed options.

The manifestation of these parts is diverse.  For one person it is the part that wants to earn masses of money versus the part for whom money is just not important.  For another person it is the part that wants to stay in a job even though it’s desperately dull versus the part that wants to say “to hell with it” and leave in search of something more exciting.  For a third person it is the part that wants to share just how much she loves her new partner versus the part that wants to take things one step at a time.  Even as I write I wonder if, at root, our conflict is between the part of us that wants to keep us safe and the part of us that seeks adventure – maybe even to pursue our true calling.

Beneath this inner conflict lie assumptions that are untested or which may be understood at some cognitive level and which have not yet been understood or integrated into our bodies or way of being.  The mother of all assumptions is, of course, that the causes that our inner voices are championing are mutually exclusive.  It’s not unusual for people to recognise and celebrate one part of themselves whilst seeking to repress the other part – and guess what, the part we are least inclined to sponsor always finds a way to express itself, to hold sway.

It’s not often, as a coach, that I offer to step away from pure coaching to provide an intervention from the set pieces of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP).  At the same time, I recognise the elegance of NLP’s “parts integration”, which facilitates a dialogue between inner parts in conflict, helping each part to hear the aims of the other and helping both parts to come together to collaborate in meeting aims which were seen as mutually exclusive and are now understood to be perfectly compatible.

In truth, this integration of our inner parts is an ongoing journey rather than a one-off event.  It is part of a journey towards self-acceptance and it is significant as a contribution to our inner peace as well as to creating lives that are productive and fulfilling.

If you want to learn more, keep an eye on this blog – I sense this is a topic to which I shall return.  If you want to experience the NLP “parts integration”, seek out an NLP Practitioner to support you.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: a powerful question to bring your dreams alive

Developing as a leader, , , ,

In recent days I’ve been exploring ways to feel your way into the perfect job for you, recognising that the more you have a felt sense of your perfect job the more likely you are to be inspired to find it.

In this last posting on this topic (OK, at least for now) I offer the simplest of questions which you can ask yourself about the job you really yearn to do – and perhaps the most powerful.  This question comes from my NLP trainings and is the number one question for coaches everywhere (and no doubt others, too):  what do you want?

Well, actually, there’s a supplementary question, too.  And it’s this little supplementary question that gives the first question its power and that is:  what would that do for you?  So, what do you want in your new job?  (Let’s say:  “I want to lead a business out of the current recession”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would give me the thrill of turning around a business which otherwise could go under”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would meet my need to contribute to our economic recovery”).  And what would that do for you?  (“I just want to make a positive difference to people, to conribute, to offer hope…”).  You get the gist!

This powerful little question takes us from the surface manifestation of a dream to the underlying needs that would be met by fulfilling that dream.  In the language of Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life, this is the difference between recognising the strategy by which we meet meet a need and connecting with the need itself.  You know you’ve connected with the core of your dream when you feel you’ve connected with your dream – everything in your body changes at this moment of recognition.

Several things happen when we explore this question which are invaluable to the job hunter (and to anyone else come to that):

  • Firstly, as we get closer and closer to recognising the needs we think our dream job will meet we experience a felt sense of this perfect job.  This is, if you like, another way of “trying it on for size”.  In terms of the way we feel, connecting with our needs in this way is pretty much as good as meeting them!  At least in this moment of connection we experience the quality of feeling we would like to experience in our lives on an ongoing basis;
  • Also, recognising our underlying needs can open up new options as we realise “Ah!  If that’s the need I’m trying to meet, I could do it in this way, too, and this way…!”
  • Occasionally, as we connect with the need we recognise that our initial choice of how to meet the need was, frankly, way off beam.  If caring for your family is your number one priority for example, maybe the high flying job that takes you all over the world supplies the money you want to earn …but not the opportunity to stay closely involved and connected with your loved ones in your every day lives.

 So, I invite you to try on this powerful pair of questions and of course, be sure to let me know how you get on.

PS I love Rosenberg’s book!  So much so that I’ve set up this link so that, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee if you buy this book using the link in this posting.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: trying it on for size

Developing as a leader, ,

If you’ve been reading the posts I’ve already written this week it’s possible that you’ve already spent time connecting with the life you most want to lead and also with the full arc of your career.  If you haven’t done these things yet please do – your perfect job sits in the context of your perfect life and is part of a career whose overall timespan may well get longer and longer in the coming years.

For now, though, let’s do something very simple, called “future pacing” in the world of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP).  Imagine the job you most yearn to do and simply try it on for size.  This goes beyond thinking about it to experiencing it in your body as if you were already doing the job.  You can do this with your eyes open or closed.  You can do it standing or sitting…  you get the drift!

As you do this, notice what’s true of the job you are trying on:  give yourself full scope and permission to create your dream job in the present moment.  No need to force or push:  just let it unfold.  (And yes, if a part of you raises any objections and tries to bring you right back into another reality – especially a “that’s not possible” reality – you might like to cut a deal with that part and agree to come back to all the objections a little later).  At the same time, notice what’s alive for you as you try the job on for size.  What are the features of the job that really energise you?  What do you really relish?

A couple of notes for you.  Firstly, you can do this at any point in the process of seeking out your next job.  You can do this in your current job to see if, with the odd tweak, it could become your perfect job:  try on your current job with a few “it would be perfect if…” tweaks and see how it sits with you.  Then you can think about whether those tweaks might be things you can move towards.  You can do it when you’re first starting to ask yourself the question “what is my perfect job?”  This can help you expand your search as well as to develop a felt sense of and pull towards the job you desire.  You can do this as preparation for a interview, so that you walk through the door with a sense of confidence in your ability to do the job you’ve applied for.

Oh!  And note two:  trying things on for size this way is not confined to your perfect job.  You get to use this approach for absolutely anything in your life.

Be sure to let me know how you get on. 

Feeling your way into your perfect job: walking the full path of your career

Developing as a leader, ,

Whether you’re in a job or out of it, when you’re thinking about your next career move it can help to take a walk along the full length of your career in order to step more fully into the role that’s right for you now even as you start to explore what that next role might be.  In neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) this is called “walking your timeline”.

I have found it helps to do this physically so that the length of your walk or the different points along the way act as a metaphor for the different points in time that you are seeking to embody.  You can do this in your office or living room.  My favourite choice is to take a long walk and keep going for as long as I find helpful.  Just take yourself right back to the beginning of your career and try it on for size as if you were still that young man or woman embarking on your career.  Keep walking through your career and notice what is true for you along the way.  Here are some questions you might like to ask yourself:

  • At the beginning of your career walk:  What am I doing now that points the way to my perfect future career?  What are the high points for me and what are they telling me about my natural gifts and inclinations?  What are the things I do so well and with such ease that I almost take them for granted?  What do I bring that others value in me?
  • In the middle of your career walk (including where you are now in “real time”):  What did I learn in the early part of my career that is serving me now?  What challenges or hardships did I face and what did they bring that has served me in my career?  What did I take with me that is best left behind now?  What did I leave behind that I could have usefully carried forward?  What am I ready for now as a result of everything I have done so far?  What can I learn from my ups and downs that might ease my path as I go?
  • As you walk through the next phase of your career:  What am I doing now that I am in this next phase of my career?  What am I bringing that is ensuring my success?  What am I doing that is making me thrive?  What is calling me as I move forward?  How am I feeling as I walk through this next phase of my career?  What am I seeing?  What am I hearing?
  • Looking back on the whole of your career:  At this point you might like to find a comfy seat with a long perspective (metaphorically and/or literally), to look back and to reflect on some additional questions:  how do I view my career now that it is over?  What do I most celebrate and enjoy?  What do I know now that would most have helped me along the way?  What does this “me” now most want for the “me” I was in 2010?

These are just a few of the questions you might ask yourself as you walk – or entrust to your coach or walking companion.  Be sure to be in the present at every point on your timeline.  This exercise is not about being in 2010 and looking back or forward – it’s about stepping back into the present and forward into the present and trying it on for size.

Do let me know how you get on.