Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

As a leader are you “judge and jury”?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

On Monday, after spending four years in jail, the young American Amanda Knox was dramatically cleared of the murder of British student Meredith Kercher after her initial conviction was over-turned.

Knox’s original conviction was based on DNA evidence which was later found to be unreliable.  As I write, an article in the New Scientist has highlighted that even before the trial that led to the conviction of Knox and her then boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, there were questions about the strength of the DNA evidence on which the case against the pair rested.

It’s hard to imagine the experience of Meredith Kercher’s family members following her death.  We can barely understand the depth of grief and loss, the yearning for answers (Who killed her?  Why?), the desire for justice for their daughter.  It’s a little easier to understand the pressures that members of the police face to get to the answers to those questions.

There is a risk that, for all sorts of reasons, the police respond to the pressures they face by seeking not so much to uncover the truth as to construct some credible “truth” that will lead to a conviction.  A point comes when evidence is met not so much with open curiosity (what is this telling us?) as with a clear intention to convict (can we use this to support our case?).  After a while, the detective is blind to the very truths he has uncovered because they no longer support him in his aim to convict.  Perhaps the original case against Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito was built in this way.  Perhaps it was not.

All this is a long way from the workplace of my readers and still, I wonder if there is some message here for you as a leader.  I wonder if, at times, it seems easier to you to make a case against a member of your team or a colleague in the board room, in order to meet some needs of your own.  Perhaps, for example, it’s easier for you to judge your team member as “lazy” or “incompetent” than it is to see how much s/he is struggling in a new job and to recognise how much you, as manager, have failed to provide the guidance and developmental support s/he needs.  Perhaps, in the Boardroom, it’s easier to dismiss your colleague with a few swift judgements than it is to wonder, “what are his real concerns?” and to explore together what needs you both have that need to be met if you are to come to an agreement that works for your department as well as hers or his.

The signs that you are doing this are easy to spot.  Maybe you are looking for the evidence that supports your case, for example, and dismissing any evidence that might tell another story.  Perhaps you are more concerned with being “right” (and proving that the other person is “wrong”) than you are in building mutual understanding.  Perhaps you are rooted in a single truth rather than open to new information and the possibility that you may, in time, come to a new perspective.

As a leader are you “judge and jury”?  Do you want to be?  If you do, I recommend you ask yourself why and explore your answers fully.  Maybe, in time, you’ll come to a new perspective.

Working as a team to handle objections

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Recently, I wrote a posting about handling objections, in which I pointed to a number of resources that are available to the leader who is learning to handle objections in negotiations.  I also asked colleagues about their experiences and fielded an interesting example from someone who, like me, is interested in what Roger Schwarz calls a ‘mutual learning approach’.

Using this approach an objection is not taken as some kind of tactic to achieve the best outcome for the person raising the objection.  Rather, it’s seen as a statement of genuine concern.  By understanding the concern that sits beneath the objection, the person negotiating can think about whether he (or she) can adjust his approach in order to meet the needs of the person objecting, whilst still meeting his own needs.  This is negotiation with the aim of creating outcomes which meet everyone’s needs – a “win, win” outcome.

My colleague’s example speaks for itself so, with his permission, I share it here:

Recently, I had an experience that may be relevant.  When I work with clients I use a charge sheet for different services with different rates for non-profits and for commercial organisations.  I show this to clients on the first business development meeting and I am transparent on how I come to the figures and engage in discussions about the costs and numbers involved.


In a recent discussion with a client there was an objection to the amount listed in the invoices.  I kept the discussion open through my choice of questions.  Originally I didn’t understand his needs with regards the objection.  I also had a need that I didn’t want to have to manage a unique costing structure for this client and potentially for every client.


Exploring the need to modify the amount listed on the invoices, I learned it related to the charge rates of another consultant who happens to be the former MD within my client’s company.  My rates were considerably higher.  Now that was a potentially embarrassing, risky situation!  I can remember the slight glow in my cheeks as I realise the comparison and how my client explained that “Head Office” would see these rates.


In exploring the rates using the mutual learning style, we were able to accommodate and resolve this issue through increasing the transparency of the documentation to show the time I spent on planning and documentation.


I was genuinely trying to be transparent, curious about the client’s needs.  I explained my reasoning, understanding that we both had information that was different – me and my client.  We were doing our best to be mutual learners.

Handling objections

Emotional Intelligence, , ,

It’s price negotiations time.  The prospect of handling sensitive discussions is looming and so is the question:  how do I handle objections from my clients?  In truth, your current and long-standing clients can be the ones who are getting the best deal as a result of your long history of agreeing an increase that doesn’t quite work for you.  So where do you go from here?

It’s easy to come to these discussions seeking to dismiss your clients’ objections – even seeing your clients’ concerns as “objections” stimulates a certain way of thinking.  I wonder, how are you viewing the possibility that your client might express concerns?  What does the word “objection” evoke in you?  And then there’s the question of your underlying philosophy as you approach your discussions.  I particularly raise this question because for many people, this lies outside their conscious awareness:  what beliefs are your bringing to your discussions of which you are not even aware?

Personally, I favour approaches which come from the desire for everyone to come away a winner – this will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog, who know how much I favour Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and Roger Schwarz’s Skilled Facilitator Approach.  You can find out more about Rosenberg’s approach by browsing the website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication or reading his book Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life.  Equally, you can root around on Roger Schwarz’s website, sign up for his newsletter, buy articles, or his book The Skilled Facilitator Approach.

But what about handling objections?  Amongst my fellow students of Schwarz’s Skilled Facilitator Approach some point to the books that spring from what’s known as the Harvard Project:  William Ury’s Getting Past No:  Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation, Roger Fisher and William Ury’s Getting To Yes:  Negotiating An Agreement Without Giving In and Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s Difficult Conversations:  How To Discuss What Matters Most.

Others recommend the VitalSmarts series which includes Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler’s Crucial Conversations:  Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, and by the same authors Crucial Confrontations:  Tools for Talking About Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behaviour and Influencer:  The Power to Change Anything.

I also wonder about Neil Rackham’s SPIN Selling, recognising that this gives an overall framework in which to view objections – and recognising that many other authors and thinkers have tackled this same subject.

I wonder, in what situations do you handle objections and what resources (books, ways of thinking etc.) have you found most helpful?

When peace breaks out in the workplace

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
UN International Day of Peace

The United Nations’ (UN) International Day of Peace (also known as “Peace Day”) is celebrated on September 21st each year to recognise the efforts of those who have worked hard to end conflict and promote peace.  The International Day of Peace is also a day of ceasefire – personal or political.  But what, you may ask, does Peace Day have to do with your life in the workplace?  The answer is easy to determine.

As you reflect on this question, I invite you to reflect on any relationships you have in the workplace with people around whom you feel less than comfortable.  Perhaps you’ve had an unfortunate experience or experiences in relation to that person, group, team or department.  Perhaps you’d like to enjoy greater ease in your communication with them.  Perhaps the mere thought of them stimulates emotion in you.  You are not at peace.

In all likelihood, your life at work (and maybe at home) is just a little bit harder as a result.  Thinking about that person stimulates thoughts and feelings in you that you don’t enjoy.  Working with them seems to be a real grind.  The tiny impacts accumulate over time, using energy that you could otherwise put to good use and without any real return on your mental, emotional and physical investment.

What would your life be like if you were at peace in relation to that person or people?  How would it be different for you – mentally, emotionally, physically…?  I invite you to imagine how your life would be different and how your experience of life would be different if only you were at peace.  I invite you to take time to imagine this more peaceful life and even to try it on for size.  What does it feel like to be truly at peace?

And here’s a harder question:  what would it take for you to be at peace with that person or people, no matter what their behaviour?  Because here’s the rub:  if you are thinking that your experience is only down to them, you’re giving away your power to make a difference in your own life and, as a result, you’re missing the chance to be truly at peace.  Meantime, the nagging unease, the frustration, maybe even the anger and the fear, continue to eat away at you.  Your ease, your effectiveness and your well-being are all affected.

There’s something more.  As a leader, you need to know how you can achieve peace when faced with behaviours you find difficult because you need to be a role model in this to those you lead.  Your personal Peace Day is an example to your staff.  It also provides the basis for you to coach and support them when they’re finding it tough to get along with their colleagues.

I wonder, what do you take away as a result of reading this posting?  And what are your personal next steps towards living your life in peace?

Photo copyright, iStockphoto.com, Sue McDonald


From another point of view

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Friday, 16th September, 2011.

I was up at 4am this morning to travel to Bonn, arriving in my hotel at about 1pm local time.  Having checked into my room my first task is to find the best possible option for making a 90-minute phone call to the US which is scheduled to take place at 6pm.  I’ve already established a cost of about £800.00 from my hotel room and of about £180.00 from my mobile.  There must be a better way.  The hotel point me to a road which has a number of what they call “call shops” and I make my way to find out more.  Entering the first one I come across I find that the cost is less than 14 Euros – about £13.00.

Is it me or is the manner of the man who answers my questions one of irritation?  I know I’m not looking to pay Rolls Royce prices and still, I’d like a little of what some people call “service”.  I leave with the information I need and walk past Beethoven’s birthplace before a hasty lunch and making my way to the Beethovenhalle where I shall be singing in the evening.  I have special dispensation to leave our rehearsal to make my call and I do this.

In the call shop – a kind of internet cafe – I am directed to booth 6 where I make my call, joining colleagues from around the world.  I am perched precariously on a chair which squeaks noisily every time I adjust my position and still, I am able to participate fully.

When I finish the call my time is tight – my concert starts in little more than half an hour and I have to get back to the Beethovenhalle.  Still, it has made a huge difference to me today to find a low-cost way of making this call.  I take a few moments to thank the man and to tell him how much difference it has made to my day.  He seems surprised and we get talking.  “Sind sie Deutsch?” (Are you German?) he asks.  I say no and our conversation takes a new course.  He asks me where I come from and how I came to learn German and I ask the same of him.  He came from Somalia three years ago and has been grappling with the challenges of this language since that time.  When we say goodbye I find I have, without thinking, extended my hand and we shake hands.

I come away with a different perspective.  The grumpy man of the afternoon has become a human being – someone for whom speaking in German poses challenges and someone, too, who is ready to go beyond the strictly transactional and to connect with another human being.  I wonder how much my own diffidence – both about taking out my rusty German and brushing it off and about about asking the questions of the entirely ignorant as I make my first ever visit to a call shop – were factors in my experience in the afternoon.

Either way, as I look at things from a new perspective, everything changes.

Hidden influences in the world of work

Alternative approaches, Emotional Intelligence,

My nephew, who is an aficionado of QI and a fan of obscure and quirky facts, recently shared a couple from the world of classical music – that Beyonce is a distant cousin of composer Gustav Mahler and that Pierre Boulez  was preceded by a brother who died before he was born and who was also named Pierre.

Boulez’ experience reminded me of the work of Bert Hellinger in the field of family constellations, which suggests that to be named after a dead relative, whilst a loving and well-meaning gesture by one’s parents, can bring unintended and unhelpful consequences as all sorts of aspects of the parents’ experiences – their grief at the loss of a child, for example, or the weight of an increasingly idealised image of the deceased – increasingly become entwined in the experience of the young child.

The principles that underpin family constellations apply as much in the workplace as they do elsewhere in life, so that I was curious a while back to listen to John Whittington sharing his experiences as a constellations practitioner with a group of fellow coaches.  I write on the subject today from the perspective of an interested lay-person, curious about the hidden influences that shape our experiences in the world of work.

There is of course, the direct transfer of our experience of family dynamics into the workplace.  It’s a common experience for even the most senior of professionals to expect their line manager to behave towards them in the way their parents did – or to hope that their line manager will offer something of the love and care they yearned for from their parents but didn’t get.  Such expectations are often outside our conscious awareness, or perhaps we’re aware of them but haven’t stopped to question our assumptions about the relationship between a manager and the person s/he is managing.

Some examples reflect responses to experience in the workplace.  In one organisation, for example, a mistake by one employee cost the company a significant sum of money.  But there was a larger cost:  after the employee was dismissed his colleagues understood that to make a mistake was unacceptable and their assessments of risk included a large and unacknowledged dose of the irrational.  This habit quickly became ingrained in the company’s unwritten rules:  because nobody addressed the issue head on, no conscious decisions were made about what adjustments were needed in the company’s approach to risk and yet many adjustments were made.  These were not always for the commercial good.

In his talk John Whittington gave an intriguing example of constellations, when he described how he had asked a group of students on an MBA course to stand in a circle in order of age so that the youngest would end up standing next to the oldest.  When they did, something didn’t feel right to Whittington and he said so, waiting patiently until one of the group owned up:  they had been lying about their age.

Why does this matter?  To work with constellations is to recognise the hidden forces at play in the workplace and to engage with them – in other words to engage with the full range of information that is available and to shine a light on information that is otherwise hidden.  This opens up new possibilities for making progress in areas where previously the organisation, or people within it, were stuck.  It also opens up the possibility of improved health and well-being for the organisation and those who work within it.

  

Go to the funeral – it means more than you think

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Hospitals and funerals are two places we rarely want to go. Even when we feel genuine love and concern for the person involved or his/her family, we’re distracted by how going to those places makes us feel – awkward, afraid for our own health or mortality, guilty, sad or a whole host of other emotions that may arise.


Alan Dobzinski describes how this situation came up for two of his clients – both leaders in their respective organisations. Click through to Alan’s blog to learn how skipping a funeral had huge repercussions for one leader.

When we discover areas in which we need to develop

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

On Tuesday, I wrote about playing to our strengths.  Today, I’m wondering if I’m going to contradict myself.  What if you have an accelerated career and then, suddenly, you bump up against a limitation that could trip you up if you go any further on the path you are following?  This was the experience of one client I assessed recently.

After our initial feedback session he did all the right things.  He tested the assessment feedback against the perceptions of a variety of colleagues, recognising the value of diverse perspectives.  He looked for ways to bridge the gap in his repertoire, seeking out a mentor with strengths in the areas in which he needed to develop.  He started to explore a wider range of possibilities for his next career move, recognising that there could be benefits to moving diagonally rather than straight up the ladder.  These benefits include:

  • Broadening his experience and in this way broadening his understanding of the business;
  • Building on his strengths whilst opening up opportunities to close the gaps in his repertoire;
  • Broadening his understanding of the range of roles in which he could succeed.  This in turn carries the potential to build confidence and self esteem by reducing the pressure that comes when you have only one target role in mind.

As a result of his actions, what looked for a moment like a full stop turned out to be something quite different, opening up a broader range of possibilities than my client had previously had in his sights.

How does this work to his strengths?  How might it work to yours?  Taking action to develop in areas in which we lack strength may reveal an as yet hidden talent.  This can lead to a new injection of energy and momentum in our careers as leaders.  And yes, in truth, it can lead us to discover an area in which we lack natural ability.

Initially, this doesn’t always feel good.  Some high performers, faced suddenly with a situation in which they lack the skills they need, start to weave a story about how they were never as good as they thought they were, how they lack what it takes to succeed… suddenly, their self esteem takes a dramatic tumble.

Others, though, recognise that they can’t be good at everything.  The most canny amongst them are able to weigh the likelihood that they can bridge the gap and assess the benefits if they do.  Perhaps they will decide that it’s essential to bridge the gap and easy to do:  clearly, this is a “tick yes” scenario.  Perhaps they will recognise that it’s essential to have these skills and hard for them to develop in this area:  this can be a “tick delegate” scenario.  The best leaders know when to delegate and they also feel comfortable about sharing their limitations openly as well as their strategy for plugging the gap.

When in your career have you come up against areas in which you lack the skills you need to succeed?  What strategies have you used to plug the gaps?

Playing to our strengths

Emotional Intelligence,

I have been carrying out a number of assessments in recent months.  By the time of the assessment the people I interview, who already hold senior roles, have been short-listed for a new job.  From time to time, I interview someone who, whilst he or she has everything it takes to succeed in the role, lacks a certain clarity about what s/he wants.  S/he can’t answer the question “is this job for me?” because s/he doesn’t know what job is for him or her.

It’s not uncommon.  Many of us develop skills along the way and get good at all sorts of things.  At the same time, we may be unaware that the skills we have developed do not match our natural strengths.  Indeed, some of our natural strengths may lie dormant – barely developed, let alone used.

I was reminded of this recently, when I received an e-mail from a client with whom I have been in correspondence about a potential coaching client in his organisation.  “Do you know of a suitable venue for the two of you to meet?” he asked.  I was taken by surprise:  I didn’t know that we would be meeting away from the client’s offices.  I scanned our correspondence and quickly found this request, which I’d completely overlooked in a previous e-mail:  “And, she’d prefer to meet off-site, can you recommend a suitable location?”

My first response was:  “How did I miss that?  It’s not like me to overlook something like that.”  Perhaps, though, it is like me to overlook the details – except for the fact that, over the years, I have learnt to be meticulous in following things through.  Is it a natural strength for me to pay attention to detail?  I don’t know for sure.  I do know, though, that a moment like this offers an opportunity to step back and ask:  “Is this strength innate or acquired?”

What’s the significance of this?  The bottom line is simple:  the more we are developing and using our innate strengths, the more likely we are to be in the flow, working successfully and with ease.  The more we are using strengths we have developed though they are not innate, the more we may find our work hard and be prone to errors.  In the case of the people I interview who don’t quite know what they want from their next job, well – they may be doing something they’re good at, something even, in which they excel.  But somehow it’s not giving them joy.  And because they lack practice of connecting with their true strengths, they feel somehow at sea – lacking a sense of connection with themselves via their innate strengths.

I want to add that this is one perspective, with which not everyone would agree.  Whilst I have not read Alex Linley’s The Strengths Book:  Be Confident, Be Successful and Enjoy Better Relationships by Realising the Best of You, for example, I am aware that this posting reflects the theory he and his co-authors put forward.  (I am aware of this because I have had the experience of having feedback using Linley’s theory with the help of Gill How at Buonacorsi Consulting).  Equally, I was recently told about Matthew Syed’s book Bounce:  Mozart, Federer, Picasso, Beckham and the Science of Success by someone who had just started reading it and whose understanding was that this book highlights the importance of practice in creating successful outcomes.

Perhaps the place both theories meet is in the area of flow – that place where we are both happy and successful because we are cultivating the gifts that come to us most naturally.

I wonder, what do you think?

Taking it personally: the other side of the coin

Emotional Intelligence,

So, you’ve decided the last person you want to talk to is your colleague Sandra.  You can’t stand her.  If you see her coming you change your route (the last thing you want to do is get in the lift with her).  You can’t see the good in anything she does.  And as the leader of your team, you have made it very easy for your team members to ignore any directives that come from her department.  Perhaps Sandra is in your Finance Department (why can’t we process invoices the old way?) or HR (let them choke on their policy handbook!)  You don’t care.

You think your dislike is all about Sandra.  Who does she think she is?!  She turns up out of nowhere full of new ideas and expects you to jump to her tune.  You notice every little thing you don’t like about her (that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted… the list goes on and on).  And all the time you’re thinking about Sandra, you don’t begin to notice what’s really going on for you.

A start in this direction would be to use a few phrases that take ownership of the way you’re thinking about your colleague.  I notice that when I think of Sandra, I have really strong feelings – of anger, frustration, hatred…  I’m telling myself that there are all sorts of things wrong with her:  that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted…  The more I tell myself these things, the more my feelings intensify.  The more I tell myself these things, the more I feel justified in behaving towards her in ways I would never behave towards anyone I respect.

Noticing what’s going on on the surface is just the beginning.  What’s going on underneath?  My guess as your observer is that behind the anger and hatred lies some fear – and it is just a guess.  Perhaps you’re afraid that you don’t have what it takes to organise your troupes to respond to her requests, even though, deep down, you know you need to.  Perhaps you’re finding it hard to accept that people younger than you (and women, too) are starting to overtake you in the hierarchy of the organisation.  Perhaps… perhaps…

Perhaps you find Sandra a little intimidating.  You’re putting on your best brave face and doing your best to stay safe and formal but underneath it, you’d love to know that she’s as human as you are.  You’d love to know it – and you’re waiting for her to show some sign.  You hope that if you push her just a little she might just crack – without you having to reveal your own fears and vulnerabilities.

Some readers might imagine that you’re a junior member of the team, old and unsophisticated.  I have sometimes met you at the most senior levels of organisations.  Sandra knows who you are and in what capacity you – and she – work.  What’s hardest for you and Sandra – at what ever level you work – is to see that your current behaviours are simply your best attempts to meet your needs, needs that you probably don’t even recognise.  They’re not the most effective strategies for meeting your needs but that hasn’t stopped you from continuing to use them.

What would I say to you?  It’s time to get under the skin of your needs and really understanding them.  That way you can begin to find ways to meet them – ways that work.  Perhaps, in order to do so, you need to face your fears.  I know that’s hard for you.

What would I say to Sandra?  Perhaps she, too, needs to get under the skin of your needs and understand them.  She needs to understand her own needs, too.  A first step towards understanding your needs and hers may well be to know that your behaviour is about you and not about her.

And as for you, as reader of this blog, I wonder, what does this blog posting evoke for you?