I have been carrying out a number of assessments in recent months.  By the time of the assessment the people I interview, who already hold senior roles, have been short-listed for a new job.  From time to time, I interview someone who, whilst he or she has everything it takes to succeed in the role, lacks a certain clarity about what s/he wants.  S/he can’t answer the question “is this job for me?” because s/he doesn’t know what job is for him or her.

It’s not uncommon.  Many of us develop skills along the way and get good at all sorts of things.  At the same time, we may be unaware that the skills we have developed do not match our natural strengths.  Indeed, some of our natural strengths may lie dormant – barely developed, let alone used.

I was reminded of this recently, when I received an e-mail from a client with whom I have been in correspondence about a potential coaching client in his organisation.  “Do you know of a suitable venue for the two of you to meet?” he asked.  I was taken by surprise:  I didn’t know that we would be meeting away from the client’s offices.  I scanned our correspondence and quickly found this request, which I’d completely overlooked in a previous e-mail:  “And, she’d prefer to meet off-site, can you recommend a suitable location?”

My first response was:  “How did I miss that?  It’s not like me to overlook something like that.”  Perhaps, though, it is like me to overlook the details – except for the fact that, over the years, I have learnt to be meticulous in following things through.  Is it a natural strength for me to pay attention to detail?  I don’t know for sure.  I do know, though, that a moment like this offers an opportunity to step back and ask:  “Is this strength innate or acquired?”

What’s the significance of this?  The bottom line is simple:  the more we are developing and using our innate strengths, the more likely we are to be in the flow, working successfully and with ease.  The more we are using strengths we have developed though they are not innate, the more we may find our work hard and be prone to errors.  In the case of the people I interview who don’t quite know what they want from their next job, well – they may be doing something they’re good at, something even, in which they excel.  But somehow it’s not giving them joy.  And because they lack practice of connecting with their true strengths, they feel somehow at sea – lacking a sense of connection with themselves via their innate strengths.

I want to add that this is one perspective, with which not everyone would agree.  Whilst I have not read Alex Linley’s The Strengths Book:  Be Confident, Be Successful and Enjoy Better Relationships by Realising the Best of You, for example, I am aware that this posting reflects the theory he and his co-authors put forward.  (I am aware of this because I have had the experience of having feedback using Linley’s theory with the help of Gill How at Buonacorsi Consulting).  Equally, I was recently told about Matthew Syed’s book Bounce:  Mozart, Federer, Picasso, Beckham and the Science of Success by someone who had just started reading it and whose understanding was that this book highlights the importance of practice in creating successful outcomes.

Perhaps the place both theories meet is in the area of flow – that place where we are both happy and successful because we are cultivating the gifts that come to us most naturally.

I wonder, what do you think?

So, you’ve decided the last person you want to talk to is your colleague Sandra.  You can’t stand her.  If you see her coming you change your route (the last thing you want to do is get in the lift with her).  You can’t see the good in anything she does.  And as the leader of your team, you have made it very easy for your team members to ignore any directives that come from her department.  Perhaps Sandra is in your Finance Department (why can’t we process invoices the old way?) or HR (let them choke on their policy handbook!)  You don’t care.

You think your dislike is all about Sandra.  Who does she think she is?!  She turns up out of nowhere full of new ideas and expects you to jump to her tune.  You notice every little thing you don’t like about her (that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted… the list goes on and on).  And all the time you’re thinking about Sandra, you don’t begin to notice what’s really going on for you.

A start in this direction would be to use a few phrases that take ownership of the way you’re thinking about your colleague.  I notice that when I think of Sandra, I have really strong feelings – of anger, frustration, hatred…  I’m telling myself that there are all sorts of things wrong with her:  that she’s female, a “dumb blonde”, too posh, unjustly promoted…  The more I tell myself these things, the more my feelings intensify.  The more I tell myself these things, the more I feel justified in behaving towards her in ways I would never behave towards anyone I respect.

Noticing what’s going on on the surface is just the beginning.  What’s going on underneath?  My guess as your observer is that behind the anger and hatred lies some fear – and it is just a guess.  Perhaps you’re afraid that you don’t have what it takes to organise your troupes to respond to her requests, even though, deep down, you know you need to.  Perhaps you’re finding it hard to accept that people younger than you (and women, too) are starting to overtake you in the hierarchy of the organisation.  Perhaps… perhaps…

Perhaps you find Sandra a little intimidating.  You’re putting on your best brave face and doing your best to stay safe and formal but underneath it, you’d love to know that she’s as human as you are.  You’d love to know it – and you’re waiting for her to show some sign.  You hope that if you push her just a little she might just crack – without you having to reveal your own fears and vulnerabilities.

Some readers might imagine that you’re a junior member of the team, old and unsophisticated.  I have sometimes met you at the most senior levels of organisations.  Sandra knows who you are and in what capacity you – and she – work.  What’s hardest for you and Sandra – at what ever level you work – is to see that your current behaviours are simply your best attempts to meet your needs, needs that you probably don’t even recognise.  They’re not the most effective strategies for meeting your needs but that hasn’t stopped you from continuing to use them.

What would I say to you?  It’s time to get under the skin of your needs and really understanding them.  That way you can begin to find ways to meet them – ways that work.  Perhaps, in order to do so, you need to face your fears.  I know that’s hard for you.

What would I say to Sandra?  Perhaps she, too, needs to get under the skin of your needs and understand them.  She needs to understand her own needs, too.  A first step towards understanding your needs and hers may well be to know that your behaviour is about you and not about her.

And as for you, as reader of this blog, I wonder, what does this blog posting evoke for you?

Taking on a new team, my client* faces a wall of resistance.  The signs are sometimes subtle, sometimes open and obvious.  How is it that you are never able to get through to one colleague by phone, except when you phone from a number other than your own?  How many times have you seen colleagues take a sharp left rather than join you in conversation as you leave the building to walk to the car park?  How is it that meetings are always formal and never friendly?  How is it that it’s Team A’s members who are always late?

The obvious signs of resistance are far easier to deal with than those which leave us to infer.  An open statement of resistance allows us to ask questions and find out what’s going on.  The hidden signs – perhaps the quasi hidden signs – are more challenging.  We can observe the behaviours and notice the patterns and still, without more information, we can only guess what they denote.  Are they signs of resistance or dislike?  Or are they simply signs that Jo is an introvert and prefers not to walk to the car park with his colleagues?  Or that people from Team A are more likely to be late to meetings – to any meetings – than colleagues elsewhere in the building.

We can of course, ask questions.  “I notice that five members of your team have been late to meetings in the last three weeks and that members of other teams have been on time.  Is there a reason for that that you know of?”  It can be so easy.  It can be so difficult.  Sometimes these patterns of subtle resistance stimulate feelings of vulnerability, leaving us slightly off balance.  (Perhaps, we think, they’re intended to do this).

Trusted colleagues join us in wondering what’s behind the behaviours.  He doesn’t like it that you’re female (a “dumb blonde”, too posh, got promoted over his head etc. – the list goes on).  And of course, if you are, there’s nothing you can do to change your inherent characteristics or the circumstances in which you find yourself.  You start to feel stuck.

It’s time to step back and remember:

• Your own conjectures or those of your colleagues may be right – or they may be wrong.  You don’t know unless you check them out.  (And yes, even then, you may not get an honest answer);
• Insofar as your colleague does think you’re female (and that’s a problem) or a “dumb blonde”, or too posh, or got promoted over his head – well, that’s about what your colleague thinks rather than about you;
• Underneath your colleague’s thoughts lie some unmet needs that even he has not yet identified.  I say this with confidence – if he has, it seems to me he wouldn’t be mentioning your gender or the colour of your hair;
• If you’re feeling vulnerable or off balance it’s a sign that there’s something about the way you’re thinking that has you feel that way.

*This example is a composite from the experience of multiple clients and all identifying information has been changed.