All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Building your senior leadership team? You, too, are a member

Developing as a leader

Are you taking measures to build your senior leadership team?  If you are, you need to remember that you, too, are a member of the team.

Over the years, I have worked with a number of senior leadership teams to address various aspects of SLT effectiveness.  I’ve also had many more conversations with leaders who would like to see change in their team.  If you’re leading a senior leadership team, perhaps you can identify with some of the issues that come up, which include:

  • Members of the team work in silos and rarely collaborate.  When we have to discuss a decision, very few of them can think beyond the needs of their area to explore what’s best for the business;
  • One or more of the members of the team is in some way less than fully competent.  Perhaps s/he has strong technical skills but lacks the skills to lead or influence effectively.  Perhaps s/he is a whizz in his or her areas of expertise, but lacks insight into the business more generally.  At times, it can be hard to recruit members to the team who have the level of capability needed to be effective;
  • There is conflict in the team and unhelpful politics which reflects personal agendas.  One or more members of the team are trying to undermine other members of the team – maybe even the leader.  Managing the politics of the team takes valuable time and energy away from the job of working together to run the organisation;
  • Communication amongst team members is poor in some way.  Perhaps there is a lack of the kind of deep thinking amongst team members that is necessary as the basis for effective communication.  Perhaps team members are unwilling to share all the information they have as the basis for effective communication and decision-making. 
As I sit here, I find myself reflecting on the experiences I have had over the years of working with senior teams and on my own learning in this area.  One conclusion I have reached is that, without exception, a dysfunctional senior leadership team is led by someone who has something to learn.  Here are a few examples – with amendments made to protect confidentiality:
  • One CEO complained that members of his team never came up with any good ideas.  Members of his team reported that they’d stopped putting ideas forward because it was always the CEO’s ideas that prevailed.  They also described him as someone who dismissed other people’s ideas without taking any steps to understand them.  This CEO was consciously espousing a desire for his team’s ideas but his behaviours were contrary to his aspirations;
  • One leader was deeply frustrated with his team and asked for help to develop team members.  Yet the same team leader had taken a diagnostic that showed he needed to adapt his leadership style and include more use of the coaching style.  A second diagnostic, 18 months later, showed no change in his behaviour;
  • One CEO commissioned an audit of the leadership capability of team members.  The results for one team member raised concerns – his leadership capability was poor.  It was also apparent that, over time, the CEO had gradually removed any substantive responsibilities from this team member and replaced them with projects which could do no damage to the business.  This had been done without ever holding any conversations with the individual about the fact that his performance wasn’t up to par;
  • One Managing Director was deeply unhappy with his leadership team and seemed to be lurching from crisis to crisis.  Each crisis was deeply distressing for the team as a whole and still, as soon as the crisis was over, the MD went back to business as usual.  He found it terrifying to look at the fundamental causes of these ‘mini-crises’ and even more terrifying to consider that the cause of each crisis – or at least the responsibility for creating the conditions in which further crises would be averted – was his responsibility.
As I write, I notice how much I enjoy working with teams at this level and how much I appreciate the opportunities I have to sit around the table with senior leaders.  Right now, I have a space opening up for a new project of this kind.  At the same time, as I respond to invitations to discuss work with potential clients I am very clear about one thing:  any leader who is not yet ready to be Chief Learner in his or her team is going to struggle to achieve his or her aspirations to develop a high-performing, high-functioning Senior Leadership Team.  

Stepping into the New Year

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,
One of the most beautifully disturbing questions we can ask,
is whether a given story we tell about our lives is actually true,
and whether the opinions we go over every day have any foundation
or are things we repeat to ourselves simply so that we will continue to play the game.
It can be quite disorienting to find that a story we have relied on – is not only not true
– it actually never was true. Not now not ever.
There is another form of obsolescence that can fray at the cocoon we have spun about ourselves,
that is, the story was true at one time, and for an extended period;
the story was even true and good to us,
but now it is no longer true and no longer of any benefit,
in fact our continued retelling of it simply imprisons us.
We are used to the prison however,
we have indeed fitted cushions and armchairs
and made it comfortable
and we have locked the door from the inside.


David Whyte

Christmas is over and we are fast moving towards a new year.  Perhaps, like me, you are enjoying a break.  Perhaps, too, this is a time for reflection for you as one year draws to a close and the next, like a blank page waiting to be populated, sits before us.

One man who knows what it is to step boldly forward is David Whyte, who has carved an extraordinary place for himself in the world, bringing poetry to corporate America, where he lives with his wife and family.  I particularly enjoy his recorded talk on leadership, Life at the frontier:  leadership through courageous conversations.

Being a poet, even David’s marketing materials are a joy to read, like the one from which I have taken the extract above.  More than many people, David is willing to penetrate the surface of life to engage deeply with what lies underneath, as he did in the letter to his followers, from which this excerpt is taken.

The passage above was particularly striking because it speaks to something which can both imprison and release us – the stories we tell about ourselves.  Working as I do in coaching partnership with men and women in leadership roles I find that it is these stories, more than anything else, that create the greatest challenges we face.  These stories of the self are particularly challenging precisely because they pass under the radar, unnoticed and unquestioned.  How would we think to do something differently when we think that the actions we take spring from an immutable, unchangeable self?

Often, our stories of ourself spring from our relationship with the world and with past events which have, we believe, shaped and moulded us.  They include a large measure of familial and societal – even workplace – programming, of which we are largely unaware.  We may look to those we lead to embrace change and feel frustrated by others’ lack of flexibility even whilst being unaware of those areas in which we, too, are unwilling to flex.  And yet it is our job to flex and it is our willingness to flex – even our willingness to flex the stories we tell ourselves about who we really are – that lies at the heart of our effectiveness in the role of leader and the ease with which we fulfil our role.

So, as you reflect on the year just gone and look forward to the year ahead, I invite you to consider the questions David raises in the passage at the top of this posting and to ask yourself what one story you tell about yourself – if you were simply to change your story and live life as if something else were true – would most transform your life?

In his letter David tells readers about a change he made in his own story and how it panned out for him.  I look forward to sharing how it panned out for me and also hearing how it panned out for you, too.

Sending you season’s greetings for Christmas, 2012

About Dorothy,

Christmas Day is just four days away and today I shall be sitting down to write Christmas greetings.  The last few weeks have been busy and I feel as though I am running to catch up.  I take a moment to – well, breathe –  and find myself looking back over the year which is rapidly drawing to a close and forward to the year ahead.

It’s been a mixed year.  Please don’t tell my Mum but in March, I was actually quite pleased at the thought of a sun-drenched drought and connected with pleasant memories of 1976 – and then it started to rain, and rain, and rain… My tomatoes were a wash-out, though many other vegetables did well despite the slugs.  Any suffering is nothing compared to what many people are enduring who have had to leave their homes in recent weeks due to flooding – it seems quite out of order to complain.

In London, people did complain about every aspect of the Olympics ahead of time – until the opening ceremony blew our socks off and we all (yes, I think it was very nearly “all”) got caught up in the spirit of the games.  After Chad le Clos unexpectedly beat Michael Phelps in the swimming I bumped into his father on the underground and enjoyed a moment of celebration for him and his son as our eyes met on the stairs.  It was a sweet moment.

It seemed to be a year of holidays for me as I took in a few days to soak up the Olympic spirit, a meditation retreat with my dear friend Andy, a week in Scotland (around Scotland by train – the photo is from this trip) with my mother and, just last weekend, Luxembourg and Paris on tour with the London Symphony Chorus.  In the choir, Simon Halsey has taken us by storm since he joined us in the autumn.

Work has been steady, with coaching and assessment at its core.  I have particularly enjoyed the quality of relationship both with coaching clients and with colleagues (you know who you are).  I had some articles published.  Some things have taken longer than I intended – my new website is still a work in progress and yet to be unveiled.  At the same time, the process of working on my marketing and website has helped me connect to my yearning for one or two big projects in 2013 – working with an organisation to develop an effective senior leadership team, for example, or to develop a coaching style and culture throughout the organisation. I bless these yearnings and send them out into the world.

In my private life, there were entrances and exits amongst family and friends – my mother recently attended four funerals in a fortnight.  Some were timely but one was untimely – or so it seems to me at this time – and I hold his family in my heart.  In public life, one scandal followed another.  Barack Obama got elected for a second term.

I started the year in the midst of building works as my new kitchen was in progress – now much loved and enjoyed.  It ends with some work to the hall and stairs in progress – the sander, and Radio 4, are the background today to my writing this posting and sending Christmas greetings to you.

I would say “to you all” – but I catch myself just in time, taking time to connect with you – yes, you – individually even as I write.  I take a moment to notice what I wish for you as Christmas approaches and as 2012 gives way to 2013.  I notice I want the ultimate for you – not riches and prosperity in these challenging times so much as faith, deep faith, that your needs matter and that you will be supported on your journey no matter what life brings.  This matters not so much because (in the words of the song) there may be trouble ahead.  No, it matters because, when we have faith, as well as facing the challenges with equanimity, we can enjoy the good times without worrying for the future.

With that, and whatever road you are travelling, I wish you a merry Christmas 2012, and many good things in 2013.

On tour with the London Symphony Chorus

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It’s been a mad weekend.  In truth, if there’s one thing I didn’t really want to do in the midst of pre-Christmas preparations, it was to travel to Luxembourg on Friday and from Luxembourg to Paris on Saturday and back to London just in time to miss the Archers on Sunday.  Except that, well, I did…

This trip was part of my alternative career – my unpaid career – as a member of the London Symphony Chorus.  It has some similarities with my professional life.  On Friday, I was up at 6 a.m. and out of the house by seven in order to catch the Eurostar to Brussels – just as tomorrow, I shall be getting up well before dawn to travel to Edinburgh to conduct a leadership assessment for a client.  This tour also included very little down-time to explore our host cities, which is also true of many business trips.  Beyond this, the similarities give way to many differences.  Let me tell you about our trip.

On Friday morning, we caught the 8.50 a.m. train from London St. Pancras to Brussels – about 120 singers, variously bleary-eyed and excited and more or less prepared.  From Brussels we travelled by coach to Luxembourg, leaving behind us a certain amount of cold for, well, more cold.  The closer we got to our destination, the more snow we saw on the ground, giving way to the rain and bleak, grey skies.  Perhaps it’s a sign of my age and experience that, on arrival, I opted for a cup of tea and a 30-minute sleep before preparing to go over to the concert hall for our pre-concert rehearsal.

Luxembourg’s Philharmonie Luxembourg Concert Hall is a very fine building indeed.  From the exterior, it is characterised by its surrounding of pillars which are striking even when you have your head down in an attempt to ward off the rain and cold.  Inside, it is all sloping floors and overhead walkways for the public and, behind the scenes, spacious accommodation for orchestra and chorus.  Unless you’ve travelled the artists quarters of the world’s concert halls, you could easily overlook just how welcome such spacious accommodation is.

At 5.15 p.m. heure locale the choir warmed up with our new Music Director, Simon Halsey, before we were joined by members of the London Symphony Orchestra and our conductor, Maestro Valerie Gergiev. Famous for conducting using a toothpick and with hand gestures so wobbly they are terrifying to follow, I was struck by a shift in his approach – at least in the rehearsal – towards giving clearer direction to both orchestra and chorus.  After the rehearsal, we had time to change and – because we were not on the platform in the first half of the concert – to take in refreshments and a walk around the public areas before singing Szymanowski’s 3rd Symphony, Song of the Night.

Chorus tours, even such short ones as this, are always good for their opportunity to socialise so that, after the concert, we wandered back to our hotel and made good use of the spacious bar area.  I found myself surrounded by about 10 or 12 people, some of whom I knew well and others less so.  We took time to chat, drink, laugh and drink some more.  It helped that our Saturday morning departure was at 11.15 a.m.

On Saturday, we were driven by coach to Luxembourg’s railway station and arrived with time to spare, though not quite enough time to find a cup of coffee – just enough time to sing a few carols in the spacious entrance hall before bording our train to Paris, Gare de l’Est.  I suspect that this, alone, was worth the travel and discomfort and will be one of the stories we still tell ten, twenty years down the line.

In Paris, together with my room mate, I took time to rest – again, for half an hour – before walking up to the Salle Pleyel.  Here, the accommodation is, frankly, awful.  Not only is our space small, laden with piles of chairs and without mirrors, but this time, we are sharing it with James Mallinson, recording producer and asked to be silent.  Even if we remember not to talk, it’s impossible to change in the total silence required for James to do his job.

It’s time to be flexible or to go mad with frustration and anger.  After our warm-up and with just an hour until we are required to join the orchestra, I go with friends to a nearby cafe and share a drink and escargots.  Returning to the concert hall, we are kept waiting until the very end of the rehearsal where we are on the platform for only a few minutes, singing two or three pages to set the balance and then, once more, having time but no proper space.  Together with the same friends, I return to the same cafe for our plat principal – in my case, confit de canard with haricots verts.  We return in time for the second half of the concert, listening to Brahm’s Variations on a Theme By Haydn before singing the Szymanowski again.  Afterwards, it seems only fitting to complete our meal, this time in a small restaurant near our hotel.  I enjoy poire belle Helene for dessert and then sleep for less than six hours before getting up for the return journey.

And what of the singing?  Ask members of the chorus and you’ll find as many responses as there are members – our view of how things went is always a reflection of our personal performance and experience.  For my part, I am delighted to have four performances of this piece in quick succession (in London, Luxembourg, Paris and again in London).  As I sing it with increasing confidence, I also come increasingly to love this piece. 

Are you shying away from addressing under-performance in your team?

Developing as a leader

A funny thing has been happening in my office in recent days.  It’s taken me a few days to work out what’s going on.

It all started when I caught the faintest whiff of something, well… a little unpleasant.  It made me check my clothes to make sure I wasn’t wearing something which should have gone into the laundry (and feel rather foolish when I realised that everything was freshly laundered).  Could it have been a lingering gift from the BT engineer who sorted out my broadband connection recently?  No, surely not!  But it did smell, well, a little sweaty.

After a few days, I put two and two together and remembered the mouse I saw running across my lounge when I had my kitchen done last winter.  In truth, I know that some of the little fellas have been hanging out at my place:  recently I had Gary (who did the kitchen for me) block their points of entry.  But I hadn’t gone that extra step and set traps.  I realised that this faint and persistent odour is a sign that one of them has died. As I sit and write I am aware that, unless I set traps or lay poison (which I am rather loath to do) this may happen again.

When your staff aren’t performing

Now, it may be a little bit of a mental leap and still, the mouse in my study reminded me of an experience I had some years ago, when I was part of an assessment team conducting an audit of leadership capability for a client organisation.  One member of the team was markedly less able than his colleagues and – guess what! – it was me who got to conduct his assessment and to give him feedback.  I remember outlining the key findings from his assessment and he agreed with them all.  Still, there was a moment when he realised that, taken all together, the picture wasn’t good.

What was most striking to me was that the commissioning client had been re-shaping this person’s job over some time, taking away an area of responsibility here and replacing it with the odd project.  Gradually business-critical responsibilities had been stripped away until my candidate had a portfolio of do-no-harm projects that couldn’t possibly damage the business.  All this had happened without any conversation taking place between my candidate and his boss about the fact that this man wasn’t performing.

What’s the connection?  For me, it’s the pervading odour of a task which has not yet been done – noticing and addressing the performance failings of a member of the team because, let’s be clear, the approach of this manager leaves behind it a trail of clues which is increasingly obvious to anyone who cares to look.  It’s not just that tasks have been visibly reallocated amongst different members of the team leaving someone with a non-portfolio of not very important projects.  It’s also that the boss is seen to have ducked an important issue.  It’s also that other members of the team start to invest their energies into (at best) working out how to maintain the fantasy that this is a useful member of the team or (at worst) plotting for the individual’s downfall, or that of their boss, or… or… or…

The truth is, if you don’t address the issue of under-performance, it doesn’t go away.

You need to address under-performance

Over the years, I’ve found that whilst leaders may say they don’t know how to address under-performance, it’s often something else that keeps them from taking action.  They find it hard to square a head-on disciplinary approach with their aspirations for compassion or they fear a loss of popularity.  Even at the most senior levels, people have been known to say “no, I won’t let it happen – it will ruin his (or her) career”.  At a moment like this, it’s important to understand why it matters to the individual who is not performing as much as it does for the team and the organisation.

The truth is, when we don’t address under-performance, we open the road to increasingly difficult circumstances for the employee concerned.  At first, with a little flattery as we allocate new projects, we may be able to persuade the individual that we’re giving them an opportunity worth having – at least for a while.  More likely, though, is the creeping self-doubt that comes with their growing awareness that they’re struggling to do their jobs.  This is compounded by their concern that perhaps they’re not capable of doing any job.  And it could get worse and worse as colleagues increasingly express their growing resentment as they have to work a little bit harder to compensate for the weaknesses of the under-performer, or listen to more unworkable suggestions or “no, I haven’t done that yet” updates in meetings.  The under-performer loses dignity, self respect, confidence and esteem, and the respect of his or her colleagues.

Equally, when we don’t address under-performance in our team, we fail to open up avenues to a happier and more productive life for the individuals concerned.  Of course, some people may initially be shocked to hear that they are not performing well (though most people know this already).  Either way, we need to give support as part of addressing the issues involved.  Handled successfully, addressing under-performance helps people to connect more fully with what they do want and where their skills lie.  Perhaps we’ll be able to support them bridging a key skills gap.  Perhaps we’ll help them to find a role in our organisation in which they really thrive.  Perhaps we’ll able to help them with some half-forgotten dream.  If you have any doubts about this, listen to the stories of people who have found deep levels of satisfaction in their lives and careers.  Many of them, at some point in their career, have experienced the challenges of doing a role to which they have not been well-suited.

Look for the gifts your staff do have, as well as the ones they don’t

Observing leaders who handle under-performance effectively (as I have done over the years – by interviewing leaders for research purposes, assessing them for more senior roles and working one-to-one in coaching partnership) one thing I notice is this:  that they do not confuse the person with his or her behaviour.  The under-performer is under-performing but s/he’s not “useless”, “lacking in potential” or any other negative description you might care to shape around the individual.  S/he’s simply someone who hasn’t yet learnt skills he or she has the potential to acquire or someone who is in a role to which s/he’s not well-suited.  The task is to find out which and to support the individual in bridging the skills gap or in finding a more suitable role.

So, I want to ask you, are you shying away from addressing the under-performance of a member of your team?  And if you are, or even if you’re reflecting on the way you’ve handled such issues in the past, what do you take from reading this article?

The trouble with (audience) participation

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Autumn is here with its traditional themes.  I have been enjoying bursts of deep reds, yellows and oranges as well as indulging my fascination for various kinds of fungi – I find so much beauty in this season, even as it takes us towards long nights and increasingly low temperatures.

I confess, the autumn is also a season for cosying up in front of the television – maybe even a little more often than I care to admit.  My nephew and I have been enjoying Young Apprentice and Dragon’s Den, usually exchanging observations if we haven’t watched it together.  You’ll also find it hard to get me out on a Saturday evening at this time of year – at least, you would have done until now.

On Sunday, I was shocked and disappointed when Ella Henderson and James Arthur, surely favourites to win this year’s X Factor, were pitted against each other in the ‘sing off’ following the audience vote.  That’s the trouble with audience participation:  give people a vote and just look what they do with it!  (And for any X Factor fans – who is voting for Christopher Maloney?!)

I have to say that, in the Young Apprentice, I see a different problem arising, with project managers failing conspicuously to draw on the input of their team.  Patrick McDowell struggled valiantly last week to convey the point that the team’s planning needed to take into account where they were starting from and needed to get back to at the end of the day.  I wondered what other ideas might have helped the teams to succeed if only the project managers had been listening.  Didn’t it make sense, for example, to make it a priority to phone round and get some prices for what looked like the largest purchase – a German car, taxed and ready to drive away?  And wouldn’t it have helped to engage in a conversation about how best to organise the task before getting stuck in?

I wonder if, as a leader, you struggle with both sides of this coin.  After all, the theory says that engaging people’s ideas through a participative style of management increases engagement and motivation.  Daniel Goleman and his colleagues, in The New Leaders:  Transforming the Art of Leadership into the Science of Results, describe how using what they call the democratic style helps to build buy-in or consensus, or to get valuable input from employees.  But this style does have its limitations.  Sunday’s X Factor results show one of them – you don’t always get the outcome you want from inviting ideas from your staff.

This style also has its limitations in the eyes of staff.  There’s nothing worse than being asked for ideas and then told that, actually, it’s the bosses ideas that are going to be taken forward, especially if it’s always the bosses ideas that are taken forward (or you think it is).  This can undermine the confidence of your staff or their respect for you.

So are there any things you can do if you want to use this style effectively?  Here are a few ideas:

  • Don’t invite input from staff when you already know what you’re going to do:  It may seem obvious, but if you set about appearing to use this style but are not sincere, staff will soon sniff you out.  NEVER use this style to give the impression that staff have been consulted when you know full well you have already made your decision;
  • Separate out consulting staff from the decision-making process.  There may be times when it’s appropriate to make a decision democratically but there are also times when it’s appropriate for you to make a decision yourself.  Be clear in your own mind which is which – and be rigorously honest with your staff about the likely decision-making process.  This way, team members know from the beginning how their ideas may or may not be used;
  • Be honest with yourself about the current level of capability of your staff and use this to inform your decisions about consulting your staff.  Invite their input in areas where you know they have something to offer so that they can add real value by their contributions and you can show how you have taken their ideas on board;
  • Combine your use of this participative style with other leadership styles.  Goleman and his colleagues point in particular to the need to provide clarity of expectations and to coach members of your team.  Helping your team to understand your overall vision and how they can contribute to it and providing coaching to develop their skills both play a role in increasing the likely quality of their contributions and ideas in team discussions;
  • Invite team member’s ideas at their growing edge.  With effective coaching support from you, the quality of team members’ contributions will constantly improve.  Keep inviting ideas at team members’ growing edge to stretch them and so that you both know how much progress they’re making;
  • Respond constructively.  The minute you dismiss an idea as stupid or worthless you send a powerful message to the whole team which makes it less likely that they will want to contribute in future.  Quite quickly, you’ll be saying that your team members have no ideas to offer.  Say thank you for all the ideas team members contribute no matter what you think of them.  If you can’t see how an idea will work in practice, test it with your team and ask them to test it with others if appropriate.  You may find a hidden gem and if you don’t, you may still all have learned something;
  • Be prepared to be surprised.  Engaging your staff in team discussions may be a stretch for you as much as for your staff.  Be ready to examine ideas that you might initially find strange and to find the ones that really might work.  Be prepared to try some knowing that they might work and they might fail as part of expanding your own thinking and showing your support for your team.

I’d love to know how you get on.

Armistice day for the family

Emotional Intelligence, ,


“Comrade, I did not want to kill you.
If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too.
But you were only an idea to me before,
an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response.
It was that abstraction I stabbed.
But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me.
I thought of your hand grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle;
now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship.
Forgive me comrade.
We always see it too late.
Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us,
that your mothers are just as anxious as ours,
and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony
– forgive me comrade;  how could you be my enemy?”

Erich Maria Remarque
All Quiet on the Western Front

On Sunday, I took a moment to reflect on Armistice Day, drawing on the above extract from Erich Maria Remarque’s All Quiet on the Western Front.  Today, I am taking a few moments to translate the passage above for the family:

“Beloved, I did not want to snap at you.
If you did the same again, I would not snap at you, if you too would hold back.
But you had become an idea to me before,
an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth an appropriate response.
I snapped at that abstraction.
But now again – maybe even for the first time – I see you;
I see that you are human, like me.
I thought of your shortcomings and felt the pain they stimulated in me;
now I see your face, your place in our family and my own.
Forgive me.
I always see it too late.
Why did they never tell me that you are human just as I am,
that you, too, feel the pain of misunderstandings,
and that we both fear the loss of identity and needs unmet as we negotiate family life
– forgive me beloved; how could you be my enemy?”

Armistice day for the office

Emotional Intelligence,


“Comrade, I did not want to kill you.
If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too.
But you were only an idea to me before,
an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response.
It was that abstraction I stabbed.
But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me.
I thought of your hand grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle;
now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship.
Forgive me comrade.
We always see it too late.
Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us,
that your mothers are just as anxious as ours,
and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony
– forgive me comrade;  how could you be my enemy?”

Erich Maria Remarque
All Quiet on the Western Front

On Sunday, I took a moment to reflect on Armistice Day, drawing on the above extract from Erich Maria Remarque’s All Quiet on the Western Front.  Today, I am taking a few moments to translate the passage above for the workplace:
“Colleague, I did not want to speak ill of you at the water cooler.
If you acted in the same way again, I would not do it, if only I could be sure you, too, would not speak ill of me.
But you were only an idea to me before,
an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response.
It was that abstraction I spoke of.
But now, for the first time, I see that you are human like me.
I thought of your department and the way you never deliver on time,
I thought of the risk to my own department and our reputation across the company,
I thought of the way you always seem to get promoted ahead of me even so;
Now I see that, like me, you have a mortgage to pay, a family to feed –
You are doing your best.
Forgive me colleague.
We always see it too late.
Why do they never tell us that you – in Accounts, HR, IT, Sales – are poor devils like us,
That you are as anxious as we are,
and that we have the same fear for our jobs and the same doubts buried beneath our fears
– forgive me colleague;  how could you be my enemy?”

On Armistice Day, November 2012

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“Comrade, I did not want to kill you.
If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too.
But you were only an idea to me before,
an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response.
It was that abstraction I stabbed.
But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me.
I thought of your hand grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle;
now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship.
Forgive me comrade.
We always see it too late.
Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us,
that your mothers are just as anxious as ours,
and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony
– forgive me comrade;  how could you be my enemy?”

Erich Maria Remarque
All Quiet on the Western Front

Today is Armistice Day, November, 2012.  It’s a long time since the armistice was first signed – on 11th November, 1918.  Few people alive today have memories of that war.
Nonetheless, many of us live in the shadow of that war.  We have family members who fought in World War I, who were injured, traumatised, perhaps even died.  These experiences are part of the story of our family and shape our own experience.  On a larger scale, and in many countries, the war also played a role in the story of the country in which we live.  Erich Maria Remarque, in his novel All Quiet on the Western Front, strips back the rhetoric of war-time ‘heroism’ to reveal the human experience of the young soldier.
The themes of war are also the themes of peace and for this reason I chose the extract above from Remarque’s novel.  It is a theme I have touched on before at this time of year.  For it seems to me that it applies as much in the office or at home as it does on the battlefield.  How often are our colleagues (in Finance, IT, Sales, whatever…) ‘an abstraction’?  How often do we take a stab at the same ‘abstraction’ when we speak to our spouses, siblings, sons and daughters from a place of anger or frustration?
On this Armistice Day, 2012, we remember those who fought in World War I and in subsequent wars.  Let us remember, too, those closer to home.  And whether our opponents in war or our colleagues or loved ones, let us take a moment to see beyond our abstractions and to connect with our ‘enemies’ from a place of recognition of our shared humanity.

Avoiding an office affair

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,

After quite a long spell of writing two or three blog postings a week, I have gone a whole month without publishing anything.  In truth, I have been running to catch up for months now – and something had to give.  It’s become clear to me that I want to write fewer blog postings going forward – perhaps one a week or two at most.  At the same time, I want to add depth to my postings.  You can expect them to be longer in future.

I thought I’d come back with a bit of a bang – a term I may come to regret given the topic of my posting.  I was drawn last week by a posting on LinkedIn entitled Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair.  If the early responses (mine was one) are anything to go by, this is a highly contentious subject.  It’s also a taboo subject – I know that I was drawn to read the posting precisely because I have seen any number of office affairs take place and yet this subject is rarely addressed in public.

Facing up to sexual attraction in the workplace

No matter what we consider to be ‘professional’, we all of us – at times – are attracted to colleagues.  The workplace is one of the key places in which people meet their life partners – a place where people see each other often and get to know each other well.

But what if you’re already in a relationship?  It doesn’t stop you feeling attracted to people and you may even spend more time with your colleagues in the workplace than you do with your partner at home.  Once you become a parent your opportunities to really connect with your partner may be even fewer.  Perhaps your work with a colleague brings you close together or maybe it’s your work colleagues who hear and understand just how challenging life is for you when your spouse is unsympathetic (or maybe the source – in your mind – of your woes).  In the heat of the moment you may find it hard to resist the temptation of embarking on one relationship (an “affair”) whilst still being committed in another.  You may even be surprised to realise that you have embarked on an affair before you even realised it – the writer of the article I mentioned above uses the term “work spouse” to describe a special friend of the attractive sex.

Perhaps you have no problem with having a workplace affair.  If so, this article is not for you.  Perhaps, though, you are feeling the heat of the attraction and struggling to know what to do.  Or maybe, right now, you have lost sight of the potential consequences of following a path that can lead to the breakdown of your marriage, to disruption in your relationships with any number of loved ones, to the loss of respect from your colleagues, to the loss of your own respect for yourself.  It’s not that relationships don’t break down – they do, and at times this is clearly for the best.  Even so, embarking on a workplace affair has a raft of consequences that you may not be ready to choose or face up to.

Avoiding an office affair – a different set of tips

Author Gretchen Rubin gives one set of tips in her article Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair.  I offer my own, below:

  • Get clear on your values ahead of time:  It may seem obvious, but getting clear on the values you want to live by helps you to make choices in the moment with the long-term view in mind.  Take time to think about the values you want to live by in your intimate relationships so that you can make decisions in the moment in the full awareness of your highest aspirations;
  • When you feel attracted to someone, talk about it:  Rather than denying that you feel attracted to someone, talk about it.  Whilst denial can stoke the flames of an attraction, talking about it can help you to acknowledge it and begin to engage with it.  It also provides the basis for making decisions.  Choose carefully who you talk to.  Perhaps you have a coach or therapist who can help you to step back from the attraction and to think things through.  Perhaps you have friends.  It may even help you to name it to your spouse or the object of your affection – though this takes maturity on your part and may not be the best place to start;
  • Ask yourself why the attraction is so compelling:  Perhaps it’s meeting your needs just to feel the attraction (or to know that someone is attracted to you).  Perhaps you imagine that an affair will meet some as yet unmet needs.  Understanding what those needs are opens up the possibility of meeting those needs in different ways.  This may be about addressing needs in the context of your intimate relationship, but not always – if you find that your need is for empathy and understanding, for example, you can choose to seek support from friends and reduce the risk of an affair;
  • Address issues in your intimate relationships:  Perhaps you’ll discover that you’re unhappy in your marriage or intimate relationship.  If you do, don’t ignore it.  Perhaps it’s time to address the balance in your life between work and family, or to discuss with your partner issues that are troubling you.  You may even want to seek professional help.  This is a critical moment in your marriage:  it’s a moment when you could save your marriage.  It’s also a moment when you could handle a break-up with dignity and without falling into the first pair of arms you find;
  • Finish one intimate relationship before you start another:  It may seem simplistic and still, if you set yourself the rule that you won’t embark on one relationship before you’ve finished another, you will think hard before embarking on an office affair.  This could help you to realise how important your marriage is to you before it’s too late.  It could also help you handle a break-up with dignity and compassion and to enter a new relationship knowing you have honoured values of honesty and integrity.
I sign off with both compassion and curiosity – I look forward to your comments.  And if you’re struggling to avoid a work-placed affair, please know that you are not alone.