All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

The Immune Power Personality

Emotional Intelligence,

I wrote my recent newsletter whilst I was reading Henry Dreher’s book The Immune Power Personality: Seven Traits You Can Develop to Stay Healthy.

First published in 1995, Dreher draws on cutting edge science in the emerging field of psychoneuroimmunology or PNI. PNI is the study of the interaction between psychological processes and the nervous and immune systems of the human body, also referred to as “mind-body science”.

As the book’s title suggests, Dreher outlines seven traits which have been proven by scientists to boost the body’s immune system. These are strengths which help people to cope with hard times. They are also traits which have an impact on individuals’ physical well-being and immunity.

Dreher addresses each trait in turn, identifying the scientist who has studied this trait, summarising his or her research, making links with other scientific research or wider (for example, religious) traditions and offering suggestions on how to develop the characteristics identified. Dreher is meticulous and highly effective in translating deep science into a highly readable and practical book.

One experiment described in the book intrigued me more than any other and has resonance in our times. In it, scientist James Pennebaker divided sixty laid-off workers into three groups and had one group write, for five days, about their deepest thoughts and feelings about the loss of their job. Another group kept a time management record and the third wrote about trivia. After four months Pennebaker called off the experiment. 35% of those people who wrote about their feelings had found jobs compared with none of the members of the time management group and 5% of the group who had written about trivia. This experiment was part of a wider body of research which suggests that the capacity to confide supports strong immunity.

overall, The Immune Power Personality is a valuable and thought-provoking resource for anyone who wants both to understand why certain traits provide immunity during hard times and to further develop those traits.

Starting from where you are

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In my recent newsletter I wrote about the characteristics that support us in thriving in hard times.

As I write, I think of the old joke – often attributed to the Irish – about the man on the road who stopped to ask for directions only to be told, “if that’s where you want to get to, I wouldn’t start from here!” For some of my readers, the traits I have identified may seem a long way away from their starting point. And yet, we can only start from where we are. I wrote:

If you, as reader of this article, are recognising aspects of yourself in Carl, you have a great deal to celebrate. You are already showing some of the behaviours and characteristics that are leading Carl, and others like him, to thrive. Perhaps the recession is centre stage for you – and you are confident you know how to thrive no matter what. Perhaps the economic downturn is far from being central to your current interests. Either way, you feel grounded and confident.

Maybe, though, you are not thriving at present. It may well be that you are reading this article and noticing the gaps – the fault-lines – in your current response to the recession and everything that it is bringing to you. Maybe you are using this as a world class opportunity to beat yourself up! Or maybe you are wishing things were different right now.

Either way, I offer one of the primary characteristics of those who know how to thrive, no matter what: acceptance. This is not to say that the Carls of this world are complacent and do nothing. Rather, they accept both their outer circumstances and their inner response as their starting point. For if we are to begin a journey – any journey – where can we hope to start from, if not from where we are?

As I prepare this blog posting, I wonder what can we do to cultivate acceptance. My own experience points to one habit above all others that we can cultivate: the habit of being curious about the intentions that lie behind our own and others’ behaviours. This is a habit that is offered by practitioners of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), nonviolent communication (NVC) and no doubt other schools of thinking, both secular and religious.

To be curious about our positive intentions is to ask “what am I wanting?” We do not stop at feeling angry or frustrated or happy or sad. Rather, we ask this simple question again and again until we get down to the root of our desires. Often, we know we have reached the foundations of our desires for two reasons. The first is that we are no longer thinking in terms of a specific action (“I want John to do X”) or object (“I want a new car right away”). Rather, we are thinking about the underlying need that would be met by such an action or object (“I want to be accepted” or “I want to make my own choices”, for example). Reaching this depth of understanding leads us to the second sign that we have reached the foundations of our desires. For when we do, we often let go of our feelings of frustration, anger etc. and feel a deep sense of peace – acceptance. In NLP, this is decribed as a change of state. In NVC, practitioners sometimes talk about the living energy of needs.

NLP also recognises that different parts of us may appear, on the surface, to want different – even contradictory – things. So, the NLP Practitioner is interested in the dialogue we have with different parts of ourselves and in understanding the underlying intentions of each part. In NLP and NVC enquiring in this way can save us from the paradox that comes when we judge ourselves for judging others. This is a bit like the adult who slaps a child and says: “Don’t hit your brother!” Understanding our positive intentions – all our positive intentions – allows us to find a place of acceptance and to begin to explore effective strategies to meet our needs.

And what about being curious about the positive intentions of others, especially when we feel angry or frustrated by the impact their behaviours have on us? NLP teaches us that every behaviour has a positive intention. Even to understand this is to begin to accept – we may not know what the intention is behind a thought or action and still, we know there is one. NVC invites us to go further and to enquire, recognising that the person with whom we are in contact may not fully understand their own desires. We might say, “Jane, are you feeling frustrated because you’re wanting some appreciation for your actions?” It doesn’t matter that we’re right or wrong as long as we are making a sincere attempt to understand. Of course, we may not always be in dialogue with people or organisations whose behaviours we are struggling to accept. At times, whether up close or at a distance, it helps simply to remember that we can’t change others’ behaviour – we can only change our own.

As I write I am searching for the words to do justice to the role that coaching plays in helping people to understand their own intentions so that they can find ways of meeting needs of which, previously, they were only dimly aware. What a privilege to be able to support clients in this way – and to be a witness to the results!

Something for the weekend

About Dorothy


What a weekend! Together with my niece, Rebecca, I spent Saturday at an event organised by Conservation Today (see www.conservationtoday.org). Nine speakers in one day! It was a thought-provoking and diverse event and still it left me with the big questions. Given the significant effects of global warming predicted by scientists, are we still aiming to achieve the radical changes that would avert a disaster? Or is it too late for that? And if it’s already too late, what are the aims of conservation today?

On Sunday, I spent time dipping into a range of household tasks. These included doing some of the cleaning needed following some building work. So I stirred up some dust – and I hope some of it has now found a new home. When I went to mow the lawn, I noticed Mr. Fox was in the garden and decided to wait a bit. (I wonder what my farmer father would say about that if he were still alive!) I was surprised when a second fox joined him – this is the first time I’ve seen two foxes in my garden. I took a photo of them both through the window.

And then, with Rebecca and her brother Edward, I made my way to our longstanding haunt, The Spice of Life. How did we start a competition to see who could name most solo pop singers? And is there any other group of people amongst whom there might be a shadow of a possibility that I might win? Sometimes, age has its advantages.

Taking a moment to celebrate

Coaching, ,

Today I am celebrating! I am preparing to offer a number of Coaching Groups in areas of special interest to me. These include a group for leaders as coaches, a group for new coaches and a group for people who are committed to living in the spirit and practice of nonviolent communication.

As I begin to share my plans, the feedback is overwhelmingly positive. In the leadership and coaching arena, I have started to explore with a colleague a coaching group for leaders to explore what works in leadership. In the field of nonviolent communication, I have been overwhelmed by the response and am beginning to put together an interest list. I feel thrilled.

And alongside this – and many other celebrations – I received today an e-mail from my sister-in-law about Burma’s democratic leader. As I read it, I feel all the more strongly that nonviolent communication is a force for good in the world. Her message? I think it speaks for itself:

I’ve just sent my birthday message of support to Burma’s democracy leader, Aung San Suu Kyi.

Check it out and create your own here: http://www.64forsuu.org/word.php?wid=10527

Aung San Suu Kyi has now been imprisoned by Burma’s brutal regime for over 13 years. 64forSuu.org is a website where celebrities, politicians and the public from all over the world are coming together to send birthday messages of support to the world’s only imprisoned Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Find out more about Aung San Suu Kyi’s fight for human rights and democracy in Burma on the website http://www.64forsuu.org/

Taking time off

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In my recent newsletter article about thriving in hard times, I suggested that it’s good to take time off. I also highlighted how different types of time off come with different outcomes. I wrote:

Lesley’s response to her fear of redundancy has been to work longer hours. Over time, the return on this investment has been poor. Although Lesley is working longer hours she is increasingly exhausted so that her productivity during the hours she is working has gone down rather than up. At the same time, she is now so close to her work that she is increasingly losing perspective. This lack of perspective is adversely affecting her performance at work. What’s more, increasingly, she sees keeping her current job as the one and only way of meeting her needs and this in turn increases her sense of stress.

John has taken a different approach. Taking time out with friends has provided a distraction from his concerns. Smoking and drinking has also been providing a welcome break. However, this approach has had its downsides. As well as increasing risks to his health, John’s approach has led to tension at home where his wife, also worried about the possible impact of the economy, sees John’s approach as irresponsible and has started to criticise him.

Carl’s approach reflects his confidence that he is doing what he can to make progress towards his goals. During the time he works, he focuses on making progress in the areas in which he has set himself targets. Away from work, he gives his full attention to activities which are also meeting his needs. Carl is clear, for example, that he wants to create – together with his wife – a relationship that enriches them both. He also wants to maintain health and physical fitness. Far from being a distraction from work, his other-than-work activities also contribute to his well-being in other areas of his life.

Where do you start if you are tied up in work and don’t know how to take time off? Here are a few clues:

  • Step 1: Notice where you’re starting from. Perhaps you’re working hard and you don’t believe it’s possible to take time off and survive. In this case, you might want to go straight to Step 2 below. Perhaps you are taking time off and at the same time you notice how you don’t feel any better for it. In this case you might want to skip to Step 3. At this stage, you may like to check for any signs that you are taking actions to block out your emotions – to take the edge off your fear of failing at this critical time, for example, or of losing your job. If this is true for you, you might like to ask yourself “do I want to live my life this way?” If the answer is no, it may be timely for you to reach out for help;
  • Step 2: Replace “I don’t have time” with “I have all the time I need”. The belief that you don’t have time to take time off is just that – a belief. At some level, it’s a belief that you’re choosing. If you want to explore the theme of choosing you might like to read Choosing to Choose (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/05/choosing-to-choose.html) or Choosing Beliefs that Empower (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/06/choosing-beliefs-that-empower.html), also in this series of articles. Or you might like to try on two contrasting beliefs, for example “I don’t have time” and “I have all the time I need”. Take time with each belief, noticing how you feel when you try on each belief. Which one is the most empowering? Once you choose the belief “I have all the time I need” the question becomes not “Have I got time…?” but “How do I make time..?”
  • Step 3: Notice what you want from your spare time. What do you want your spare time to do for you? Carl was clear about what he wanted from his spare time? Are you? The more you get clear about what you want from your spare time the more you can plan activities that are likely to give you what you want. Carl’s aims, for example, require ongoing and sustained investment to come good. Sometimes, though, it’s enough to notice that you need to take a break to refresh your thinking in the workplace or that you’re hungry and need “brain food”;
  • Step 4: Plan an action or course of action that meets your needs. Once you know what needs you want to meeet, you can identify and take the action or actions to meet your needs. It’s possible that at this stage you may identify multiple courses of action to meet different needs and you may even feel overwhelmed as you try to fit everything in. So it may help to approach this stage as a time of experimentation;
  • Step 5: Check: is it working? Meeting your needs requires a constant awareness of how well your chosen actions are working – both in meeting individual needs and in supporting you in meeting all your needs. Planning a lengthy round of golf each week may meet your need for regular exercise, for example, but how does it contribute to your need to sustain a healthy and loving relationship with your partner? Make a point of checking how effective your plans are in meeting the needs you have identified and make adjustments.

Adjusting and adapting

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

In my recent newsletter I wrote about what it takes to thrive in hard times and today’s posting touches on the essential quality (which we can all develop and increase) of flexibility:

One of the most significant differences between those who are thriving in the current economic downturn and those who are not lies in their willingness to adapt. Carl is clear about his goals and, at the same time, highly flexible in the means by which he achieves them. Because he is so clear about what outcomes he wants to achieve, he is constantly adapting his approach to secure progress in each new circumstance.

For Carl, and others like him, the aim is to keep trying new things until he succeeds. He is happy to see what does and doesn’t work. In this way, there is no such thing as failure. When something doesn’t move him towards his goals he knows, simply, that it’s time to adjust his approach.

Carl’s commitment to his goals, coupled with his belief that he will find ways to reach them and his willingness to adjust, combine to create a sense of lightness and play. After all, if success is only a matter of time and if there are many ways to achieve success, why would he feel gloomy?

Today, rather than offer a step-by-step process to support you in increasing your adaptability, I offer a mixed offering of things you might like to consider along the way:

  • Know the difference between the means and the end: Many people confuse the end goal or underlying need with the means by which they hope to secure the end goal. The buyer of a high-status car may be unaware of how his or her purchase meets a need for self esteem for example. Or the man or woman who wants to have an intimate relationship may get stuck when things go wrong in relationship with his or her “one and only”. Unearthing your underlying need means going beyond any strategy that is specific to time, place or person. If you want to understand your end goal ask yourself “what would that do for me?” when you think you want something – and keep asking;
  • Take one step at a time: You may want to have the whole route planned out ahead of time. At the same time, some of life’s highest achievers start out with a goal and then take just one step at a time. They focus on the end goal, notice where they are starting from and ask themselves: “what’s the next step?” This is far easier than focussing on the big gap between the goal and the starting place and lifts the spirit considerably;
  • Select beliefs that support you: Perhaps the most helpful belief, one of the presuppositions of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) is “there’s no failure, only feedback”. When we adopt this belief, we often find it easier to experiment and to try things out, knowing that whatever the outcome, we’ve made a step forward. If our action doesn’t work, we know more about how (or how not) to make progress. Another helpful belief is “you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself”. This can help you to avoid the inflexibility that comes from looking to others to make changes they are unlikely to make. Paying attention to your beliefs can help you select presuppositions that support a flexible approach;
  • Take a break: It can be easy to get stuck in a single track of thinking, especially when the going is hard. This can lead to frustration – the belief, for example, that the only way to achieve a goal relies on something or someone who’s not co-operating. Taking a break – a walk, for example, or a conversation with someone about something quite different – can loosen up single track thinking and open up new possibilities;
  • Ask for help: I wrote about asking for help in a recent posting as part of this series (see 29th May 2009). Adjusting and adapting relies on flexibility in the way you look at a problem so asking for help may include asking others to help you identify multiple ways of looking at a situation. Equally, it may be that someone can provide just the help you need to take your next step forward.

Staying connected

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Back from my recent visit to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, I continue to offer thoughts about how to thrive in hard times. It’s hard to prioritise and still it seems to me that we are most likely to thrive when we develop the skill and habit of staying connected. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Facing the very real possibility that he might lose his job, John felt low. He sought to lower the levels of anxiety he felt by ignoring his feelings. He drank and smoked more and this helped to mask his feelings. At the same time, he started to lose sleep and his general sense of well-being went down.

Over time, the kind of tactics John employed can take their toll. When we ignore the messages conveyed by our feelings and bodily symptoms we fail to connect with our needs and to find ways to meet them. What’s more, the messages continue to be conveyed, becoming louder and more insistent. In time, they may take the form of physical illnesses or psychological distress.

Carl, like many people who are able to thrive even in hard times, is highly attuned to his emotions, gut reactions and other bodily symptoms. He views them as a kind of inner guide and he takes time to tune in to the messages being conveyed. In this way, he is constantly asking himself “what do I really want?” and “where am I in and out of balance?” Responding to these messages is helping Carl to make progress towards the life he is seeking to create.

How do we go about connecting – and staying connected – with the messages supplied by our bodily responses and emotions? Here are some thoughts from me. Some of them echo comments I have already made in the series of postings that accompanies my most recent newsletter:

  • Step 1: Notice your feelings and bodily emotions at different times. You might do this by keeping a diary in which you take time to write about whatever is alive for you at the time of writing. You might do this by staying tuned to your inner responses at the time of an experience (such as a meeting or conversation). You might do this after the fact – as part of your post meeting debriefing, for example. To begin with, you may find it hard to make this connection. Step 2 is designed to help you if you do;
  • Step 2: If you are not experiencing bodily feelings or emotions, notice what you are doing instead. Perhaps you are experiencing your life through your thoughts – thinking about others and maybe criticising them, for example. Perhaps you are taking actions to mask your feelings and other sensations – from drinking and smoking to watching TV. You may be quite happy to mask your experience in these or other ways. Or you may want to give yourself permission to experience your life more fully. If you do, you may find it helpful to seek professional help (see suggestions in Step 5, below);
  • Step 3: Give equal weight to all your feelings. In coaching, I find that many clients sponsor some feelings and sensations whilst suppressing others. Over time, this can mean that they become aware – attuned and responsive – to some areas of their lives whilst blind to others. If you want to become and to stay fully connected, with all the benefits this can bring, let go of judgement and replace it with curiosity;
  • Step 4: Ask yourself what your body or emotions are telling you. What is an emotion or sensation telling you about your needs? You may find all your thoughts are about others at this stage (“he should be doing X” or “I wish she’d do Y”). In this case ask yourself, what would it do for me if s/he did what I’m wanting? This helps you to form connections between your feelings, your desires of other people and the needs that underpin them both;
  • Step 5: Make use of the many resources available to help you to become more attuned to your emotions and bodily sensations. You may want to observe others and to notice how attuned they are to their own emotions – and with what outcomes. You might like to start by reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. This lays out, very simply, the role our emotions can play and the connection between thoughts, needs and emotions. You might like to contact me (at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk) to discuss how coaching can support you – and the variety of other sources available to you.

And if you have questions or want to know more, please leave your comments here on the blog – I shall be delighted to respond.

A taste for literature – and food

About Dorothy

Wandering round the Nehalat Shiv’a district on my first evening in Jerusalem I find plenty of places to eat and, at the same time, nothing that appeals. I am not alone – several times I cross paths with a couple who are also wandering disconsolately from restaurant to restaurant in search of food.

My spirits rise when I read restaurant, cafe, bookstore on a sign that guides me into a small courtyard off the Yoel Moshe Salomon Street. It will surprise no-one who knows me that the offer of a book with my food, even when I have one in my rucksack, is one that appeals.

The Tmol-Shilshom cafe comprises two rooms and two outdoor areas including a tiny balcony. The furniture is an eclectic mix of tables and chairs, some decorative miscellania and – of course – shelves and windowsills laden with books. Many are in Hebrew but some are not, including Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent, a compelling fictional account (some have called it “midrash”) of the life of Dinah, daughter of Jacob, who receives only a passing mention in the Bible. Immediately I feel at home.

The menu offers an uncomplicated and appealing selection of vegetarian dishes as well as a programme of literary events. The latter are mainly in Hebrew but it happens that my visit takes place the day before three professors from the Hebrew and Emory Universities are due to read poems by WH Auden in the original English and in Hebrew translation.

My food, when it comes, lives up to the promise (as I see it) of the menu for simple, tasty fare. The service, too, is everything one might hope for in a place of this kind. I wonder about the young men who serve me – students perhaps? I imagine that they are more likely to be lovers of literature than career waiters.

By the time I leave, I know I shall return to hear Auden and to enjoy my evening meal.

Not so fresh from the Jerusalem free tour

About Dorothy

I am not so fresh from the Sandemans New Jerusalem free tour: three and a half hours in search of shady spots in the heat – 32 degrees I heard someone say. I have no hesitation in booking a second, paid tour for tomorrow.

Moki, our guide, took us around the four quarters of the Old City and crammed us full of information. I appreciate that he’s a local – raised in Jerusalem – as well as trained as a guide. Even his jokes are worth waiting for! At the end of the tour I take the tour company up on their offer of a free drink though I’m one of only three members of the tour party who make it this far. Ten minutes – ten minutes more – is a long way to walk in this heat.

What of Jerusalem? Perhaps the most fought-over city in the world, it is both steeped in history and vibrant with modern-day living. Twenty-six thousand people live in the Old City of whom the vast majority are Muslim. I find it hard to connect with the deep spiritual significance of this Holy City for people of three major faiths, for all the traders who want to invite me into their shops. The world recession is having its impact here, too, and there are bargains to be had, though I’m not here for the shopping. And then there are the disputed historical questions. Where did Jesus’ last supper take place? And what was his precise path to the place of his resurrection? Although the Via Dolorosa and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre mark Christ’s journey to his death on the cross, it seems that the actual route he took was a little different.

It seems strange that coming to Jerusalem, the Holy City, is an added bonus on my brief trip to Israel. On Sunday I celebrated – with great joy – the marriage of my dear friend Rob with Shimrit, his beautiful Israeli bride. When we visit the Western (Wailing) Wall, my thoughts are with them both. I wish many blessings upon them. I embrace the blessings that Rob, in line with his Jewish traditions, has wished upon me. And I feel so blessed to be a witness to the beginning of their married life together.

Choosing beliefs that empower

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

The beliefs we choose can restrict or empower us and are often the subject of scrutiny in coaching. Our beliefs can contribute to – or undermine – our resilience in hard times. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

The resources that empower us include the beliefs we hold. Carl’s belief, for example, that he has what it takes to succeed no matter what raises his energy levels and encourages him to access the resources he needs to succeed.

This is different to Lesley. Holding the belief that losing her job is in some way a sign that there’s “something wrong” with her generates a sense of fear. This fear undermines her current performance as well as reducing her capacity to thrive in the event that her job is indeed made redundant.

On the surface, choosing beliefs that empower may make no difference in the near term. Currently, for example, Carl and Lesley are both at risk of losing their jobs. At the same time, their different beliefs are likely to lead to different responses even when their circumstances are the same. Over time, with different underlying beliefs, you can expect that Carl, Lesley, John and others will each create different lives.

But what if we want to examine our beliefs – perhaps to notice where they are holding us back or to adopt more helpful beliefs? Here are some ideas for you to play with:

  • It helps to notice what beliefs you already hold. This implies recognising that different people – including you – hold a variety of beliefs. So a great place to start is to get curious and playful in noticing your own and others’ beliefs. What are the beliefs – or presuppositions – tucked away behind the comments people make or the actions they take? My invitation here is not so much to change anything as to notice beliefs and the impact they have in your and others’ lives;
  • A great question to ask yourself as you examine your own beliefs is “what is the mother of all beliefs I hold?” Often, our beliefs boil down to one of two extremes – that there is abundance or scarcity in the world, for example, or that people are either loving and generous or mean and selfish. What is the mother of all beliefs for you?
  • You might want to pay particular attention to the beliefs held by people you in some way admire or whose lives you’d like to enjoy yourself. What beliefs do they hold and in what way do those beliefs play out in their intentions and actions? And with what outcomes in every area of their lives? Doing this can provide both a raised awareness of the role of beliefs and a library of beliefs that you might want to adopt for yourself;
  • Don’t be afraid to take a variety of beliefs and to try them on for size. You can do this ahead of time by simply sitting with them and seeing what impact they have on you as you imagine living your life according to a variety of different beliefs. It’s likely that you’ll be able to notice which beliefs empower you and which beliefs undermine you. This may lead you to make changes to your own beliefs;
  • It’s possible that you’ll try on a new belief and find it opens up a whole new range of possibilities – and still you’ll find you resist adopting it in practice. In this case, you might like to spend some time getting to understand your current beliefs more fully. What is your positive intention in holding the belief you’d like to let go of? What does it do for you? You may want to ask this question repeatedly until you get to the root of your reasons for holding a belief. Once you have this understanding you can ask yourself how you can fulfil your intentions in a different way.

Perhaps it’s worth adding that changes in behaviour often come from changes in belief. So if you find you are choosing behaviours you’d like to change and you don’t know how, it may be that you need to examine the beliefs that are driving your unwanted behaviours.